Swimming Pools (2)

From May 14, 2008

This is probably one of the hardest parts of my marriage: I can never go to my spouse for advice or help.

Because he cannot put himself in the shoes of another, or perceive what you may be really asking for (support, sympathy, encouragement, someone to tell you to not give up, a pat on the back, etc) he can not offer much of anything other than "maybe you should quit." He cannot offer what he cannot feel.

For example, when I broke two teeth I had to go almost two weeks without eating a normal diet. Everything I could eat had to be super soft and mushy: mashed potatoes, jello, applesauce-- it gets old. I still had to prepare the normal meals for everyone else, so this was hard for me to do. I was miserable the whole time.  My kids picked up on this, and they were patting me on the back and offering sympathy, etc, even though it was light-hearted. My husband did nothing and said nothing.

When I mentioned to him how my jaw hurt (the doctor had given me pain medication until the repairs can be made to my teeth), and how I was finding it hard to concentrate on things (school, regular work, etc), my husband said nothing. It was if he didn't hear me at all. After total silence for a few minutes he said "My neck hurts."

It would appear to most that he was cold, heartless, and couldn't care less about the condition of his wife or her state of mind. And many times that is exactly how I have felt. But recently I have come to believe (and hope) that it is because he cannot truly understand how anyone else feels-- because in his sphere, he can only know about himself, and anything more than that is overload. So he will look like a full grown man, and do things like a full grown man, but he has the emotional mentality of a small child who does not yet realize that others have emotional needs as well. It just does not occur to him, and he has no desire or intent to find out.

I had to tell myself that his telling me of his pain was probably his way of sympathizing. And that is all he can offer. It would appear that he wanted the attention himself (such as when he used to go with the kids to doctors appointments and the doctors would always see him instead), and maybe he does-- but I hope it is because he just isn't capable of offering anything else.

Anyway this is one of the hardest parts of the relationship because you have to rely on yourself and others for moral support. In all the years I have been married (25, now) I have never received one ounce of moral support or encouragement from him, nor have the kids ever received any moral support from their father. In our world and his, it is not about us, it is about him.

But I do not give up. I live and move on. And vent my feelings here, instead. :)