Being the Object of Anger

From May 14, 2008

For 25 years, I have been the object of all my husband's anger and frustration, because he is unable to deal with it. He is not capable of learning from it or analyzing its causes. He can only get rid of it by throwing it all on me. This way he can deal with the outside world a little better.

Unfortunately, this does nothing to help me. I will feel like I am being treated like dirt-- anyone in this kind of relationship would feel that way. I am going to blamed for 90% of his misery and unhappiness, even if I have absolutely nothing to do with it. If he trips on a rock and stubs his toe while he is at work and I am at home, it will be because he is having a bad day because he "doesn't like the way things are" (whether I have anything to do with it "the things" or not) and yet he will not take an active part in changing whatever it is that he is not happy with. He has had so much help all throughout his life, he has never had to take an active part in improving his relationships with anybody. Remember, all he can see is what's in it for him. If there isn't anything in it for him, he isn't interested.

Sadly, this even goes for the children. All he does is pay for them. He has no active interest, no vested interest at all. I do everything for them when it comes to raising them. I would, in fact, say that outside of working outside the home, I have raised them 98%-99%, with their father and other "outside supporters" the remaining percentage. I have had to fight for them on numerous occasions. When they need something (even when their dad is home), they come to me. When they are hurt, they come to me. When they are worried, need advice, or just want to talk, they come to me. I have had to fight their dad for them, and I have had to deal with other adults on their behalf.

Now, I am not saying I am the perfect parent, because I am far from that. My point is that my husband acts like the children are just a fact of life. He brags incessantly about them to others, but in our daily home life, he couldn't care less about what they do or don't do. He does not support them emotionally, he does not talk to them, he takes no active support in any of their interests, hobbies, or goals. It is me, all the way.

In front of others, he seems the perfect father. He is kind and gentle and loving. Some times the kids turn away and roll their eyes, as if to say "Oh brother!" 

Question: How can he live with himself? 

Answer: He doesn't live in this world.

I live in this world, and I am teaching my kids how to live in this world. I don't care if I never have any credit for how wonderful my children are. But if something ever happens to me, I sadly have grave concerns for their welfare.