Dark Before the Light (October 2010)

From October 25, 2010

Be forewarned: this is a dark post.

I am so angry with myself right now.

It seems like nothing I do ever turns out right.  There is so much to do and I am not handling it.  I am really frustrated at the lack of control I have in my life right now.  I am not on top of the situation and I should be because no one else is going to do it for me-- it is simply something I need to do: take the bull by the horns.


I hate so many parts of my life:

• I hate not being able to provide for my kids.
• I hate not being a student because that is what I need to be doing more than anything and I have to wait.
• I hate that I can't homeschool my kids because Ed won't send me all their school books.
• I hate what he is doing to the kids by refusing to send the books when they could have easily been included in the things that came in the minivan later with Alex-- as well as the white board which we relied so heavily upon.
• I hate the fact that I have to buy things I spent a lot of money on that Ed won't send, or ask someone else to buy them.  It would cost just as much to ship some of these things as to replace them, so maybe he should send money to replace them instead. Like that's ever going to happen.
• I hate having other people buy things for me because it makes me feel bad for them and disgusted with myself.
• I hate that I have to rely upon drugs to reduce my level of anxiety and stress.
• I hate that I can't seem to get healthy enough to have some normalcy in my life.
• I hate that I have NO NORMALCY in my life.

I feel like Trouble follows me everywhere I go, no matter how hard I try to avoid it... Trouble doesn't want me to be happy.  So many times I feel like I am being punished -- sometimes by other people, but mostly by God -- God's revenge for a lifetime of indiscretions and this makes me sad because I will never be able to outrun or outlive every mistake I have ever made.

Just another thing to deal with.  The darkness before the light...

Watching the welders work on a barge at an
Anacortes shipyard while I wait for the
girls to finish dance classes.

Brain Games (October 2010)

From October 24, 2010

My mind is so incredibly tired. 

Maybe it is just an adjustment period -- after 30 years of being told what to do and fighting back with what I knew was right to do, my mind is tired.  I've had to fight for so much over the years I seem to have lost the ability to call the shots that defend myself.  Someone needs to take me by the hand and say "This is what you're going to do because this is what is best for you."

I have been fighting the pills for a long time now.  On again, off again, back and forth-- a day on, a day off, depending on how bad things get and how high my anxiety level goes.  This is probably part of my problem and, admittedly, sometimes the pills win.  I have had so many health related problems over the past 12 months that even the slightest little thing sets my body into automatic anxiety overdrive.   

"We are not who we are" (X-Files: Ice Episode)

I think I lost myself somewhere during the last twelve months.  I used to be strong-willed and independent-minded.  Now I need constant direction because I have such a hard time dealing with what is set before me... the product of one medication over another, compounded with extreme stress associated with this divorce and the fact that I can't survive without money.  So I do the only thing I can do: throw myself out there and hope I survive.

Deep Doo-Doo and I Lied (October 2010)

From October 23, 2010

 If I don't find some work really soon I'm going to be in some deep doo-doo.  That's right, Mary Poppins uses the word Doo-Doo.   I'm running out of time when it comes to getting a WA state driver's license, plates for the car (which will total about $100); pet licenses (about $30 for them if I can get the proof of spay and vaccinations); and other miscellaneous items (stupid printer ink) -- not including rent and utilities and phone, I've got no way to pay for these.

The girls talked to their dad about paying for half of their dance classes (on top of child support) and all he said was "We'll talk about it later."  He has not paid any child support this month, but since we technically aren't divorced yet, I guess he doesn't think he needs to worry about it.  He said he would send something anyway and he has the ability to deposit money into my bank account still, but things change with him on a day-to-day basis and so I just can't expect it.

Two of my girls are getting ready for dance and I'm going to take them to Anacortes in a little while.  Going to Anacortes for dance classes is going to eat up my gas and I've got almost nothing in the bank so the kids may not be able to dance until I have work -- and when I have work, my schedule may conflict with their dance classes.  Work will come first and the rest just follows.  What I have to do is what I have to do, but it sure doesn't feel very good. 

The girls and I pose outside at Mount Rushmore, 2008.  It was only a week-long vacation but it was one of the coolest vacations I'd ever been on.  The only vacation I can think of that was better was when I was a kid and we went to Long Beach, Washington.  Our little cabin was right on the sand and the waves in the back yard.  We spent about a week there and it was sunny the whole time. 

LATER:

Kids, I have a confession to make.

I am not really Mary Poppins.  I am not practically perfect in every way.

In fact, I am far from it.  I am an ordinary person who wants what is best for her kids and will go to any lengths to see that they are happy and healthy.  I am human and as such, I can make mistakes.
"We better keep an eye on this one.  She's tricky."  (Michael Banks in Mary Poppins)

I want you to know that moving away from Bozeman was not a mistake.  It was my only option for the fastest way to get from point A to point B: from no money to being able to support you with relative ease in the shortest amount of time and back to Bozeman again.  It may be hard now, but it will get better and that is a promise.

The Roller Coaster Ride (October 2010)

From October 22, 2010

As usual, my life continues to be filled with ups and downs -- a constant roller coaster ride that never seems to be very steady for any length of time.  For everything good that happens, there is a bad that goes right along with it.

I had my refrigerator examined today, only to be told it would likely be too costly to repair.  It is computerized and the motherboard is shot-- possibly due to rough handling during the move.  This bothers me to no end... so many things were going through my head. I feel bad that I don't have a fridge because I know I really need one and I fought so hard to keep that one.  And guess who loaded it into the moving van?  (Can you spell E-X??)

And of course, because with the good comes the bad my heart has physically been doing stupid things again.  I think it is related to what is going on in my neck because I took pain medication earlier in the evening when it started hurting and that jugular vein is pretty distended again.  I don't know if it is the vein itself or the aching muscle behind it, or even what exactly is aching, but I know it feels worse when my heart beats irregularly so I can't help but wonder if they are related.  Distended jugular veins are usually related to coronary artery disease but all the doctors quickly dismiss that idea.  So, experts, what else is it and why won't it go away???  I find myself taking more and more pain medications and that is not something I want to do, either.



I think what I really need is about 22 hours of sleep.... the deep, restful kind of sleep... not the dozing kind which is what I usually have to settle for-- an hour-and-a-half to two-and-a-half hours seems to be my average.  Three hours is okay, and four hours would be good.  Five hours of sleep would be even better, and six or seven would be very nice.... but 22 hours sounds very sweet.  It is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so tempting to take a full dose of clonazepam to knock myself out.

At the Reptile Gardens in Rapid City, SD, 2008.

Anne is petting a tortoise that is 127 years old.  The other tortoise was 109 years old.  They were truly amazing creatures to behold.  I wonder what they have seen and experienced over the course of their lives.  I can only imagine.  I loved the week-long road trip we took that year in spite of the extremely thick tension between Ed and I.  It was a very difficult time for us to be together, but at the same time it was great spending that time with the kids seeing places we'd never seen before.

Frustrations & Games (October 2010)

From October 20, 2010

One step forward, two steps back....  Seems to be my theme for this year.

Every day I need to remind myself to think positively.  But my mind continues to think realistically and reality isn't always looking so rosy or optimistic.  In fact, it looks pretty bleak from where I'm standing.

More than anything, my girls want to dance, and we found out today that there is a good chance it will not be an option for them.  The local dance studio here was a possibility because it was close enough that they could walk even if I had to work.  Now we find out that the most ballet they can offer is 2 hours per week, all levels combined.  There is no intermediate or advanced tap.

This is just not acceptable, particularly from the vantage point of a dancer who has worked long and hard to get to their acquired level of skill.  

3 of my dancers after
a Christmas production, 2009

Rebekah is used to dancing 9 1/2 hours per week, 6 1/2 of those spent in ballet alone.  Anne and Ellie are beginning pointe this year and are used to dancing a minimum of 4 hours per week.

The nearest dance school that looks even close to what they were doing in Bozeman is in Anacortes:  Fidalgo DanceWorks.  I have sent a query for information and we will see where it leads.  My biggest concerns are with rides because we would have to leave a half hour early and get home a half hour later.  I am not sure how this will possibly fit into my work schedule and/or school schedule this winter.

This worries me quite a bit because it is such a huge part of my girls' lives.  I need their father to help pay for this -- I would say at least 50% of the dance classes, on top of child support, but I don't think he will agree to it and it stresses me out just to listen to him yell.  It will be hard enough to make ends meet with child support and every cent of it should go to their care and not necessarily dance -- an 'extra-curricular' activity.  Yet it is what they want to do more than anything else.


I will take out all my frustration and worry on myself, as usual -- for being the idiot that came to this island in the first place.  I should have followed my original plan and stayed in the Seattle area.  Trying to maintain a positive attitude is nearly impossible considering the foul mood I'm in so I'm going to end this journal entry by accentuating the two steps backward with the fact that the appliances I brought with me are breaking down.  My fridge doesn't work and is desperately needed; and my washer is leaking water from underneath --and I can't afford to fix either.

In his most recent shipment of our things, Ed sent only the things the kids asked for and totally ignored the things that were most important to me (other than the printer which the kids need anyway), primarily the things that were personal to me.  I am so ready to be over this crap.  Will it ever end?  Where are my things going to end up and how am I ever going to get them?

Is it time to scream yet??

LATER:

I am enjoying dinner time with my girls on multiple levels every night.  Each one of them is so unique and yet so much like her sister, it is amazing to listen to and to watch.

I am not sure how it started, but each night since we have moved here, we have sat at the dining table and once dinner is served, the game Catch Phrase (kind of like the old Password game in the 1960s and 70s)  is started.  While we all blurt out words in an attempt to find the correct word before we run out of time, we laugh between bites and wonder how we ever managed to eat dinner at all.  After the time is up, the game is passed to the next person and it keeps going around the table until we are done eating.  No one is exempt, and we all must try at least once.

This has become our new dinner-time tradition, and I hope it is a tradition that will last.  It is so nice after a long day to sit down and just have some laughs.  And with my kids, it is easy to do.

It saddens me that Alex is not a part of this, but he doesn't seem to want to be a part of 'my' family anymore.  The night before we moved, I told him that I hoped he knew he was welcome at any time and he said something to the effect of "I'm not in your family anymore."  It took me by surprise and I wasn't sure he meant it the way it came out, and being under so much stress already that night, I didn't want to dig any further.  Alex's world is a whole other world since he started working full-time for his dad.  I lost my son.  He wants to spend time with his sisters and took them all out to dinner the night before we moved, but he wanted nothing to do with me.  I was judged and sentenced by my son without ever having been given a trial, or even a crime.

I know his sisters have missed him and enjoyed seeing him when he brought up a few additional belongings last weekend.   I hope someday he will understand a little more what it means to be an adult.  I know he butts heads with his dad over this same attitude as well, but his dad needs him too much to ignore him.  Alex has always known he can't manipulate me so he doesn't bother.  He just ignores me.  I try not to let it bother me, so I have just become numb to it.

Regardless of how I feel, I still have five wonderful daughters and they each have a brother.  These are my kids -- my family -- and I love each one of them dearly and couldn't ever imagine life without any of them.  They don't know it, but they are the reason I have survived this long.
  

Under the Influence (October 2010)

From October 18, 2010

George Washington once said:

“Example, whether it be good or bad, has a powerful influence” (letter written March 5, 1780).

From our closest friends and family members, to people who don’t even know us  – how many lives have we touched? It is impossible to know. If I do something intentionally or not, it likely has an influence upon the life of another.   It happens all the time, like it or not.

Sometimes the choices we make are not good decisions.  We are humans and we make mistakes. But we can always try to be better humans – not tomorrow, or after lunch – but right now. Be the example you would like to have someone else see or hear. You already are a powerful influence. Just remember to be a good one.

Some things you take for advantage until you don't have them any more. 
My current running list of luxuries previously enjoyed in another lifetime include:

·         A laundry basket to transfer wet clothes from the washer to the dryer

·         Bathroom rugs and mats

·         Kitchen rug

·         Trash cans for the bedrooms

·         Laundry hampers for the bedrooms/bathroom

·         A lamp for my night stand

·         Decent bed pillows

·         Awesome bed sheets

·         Large white boards to track the week and for the kids to play with

·         A computer desk so the printer cords will actually reach the desktop and keyboard sitting on the floor.

I hate being depressed.  Time to hit the treadmill.

Marie on our 1997 road trip
to Disneyland and the
Junior America pageant

Where is Happiness? (October 2010)

From October 17, 2010

This is going to be a busy week for me.  My top priority is finding work.

Close behind that priority is continuing to unpack and setting up the computer and printers so that I can get the girls started on some kind of school routine even though their books and papers are not here.  There is some we can do: US History, Spelling, and Algebra.  Those books I have-- but nothing else arrived.  Nor did my childhood artwork or other private things I had in the Bozeman garage.

I love homeschooling the kids.  It is a learning process that we have honed over the years into a good system that works well for all the kids and for me.  I look forward to homeschooling the girls again.  But none of my white boards made it, nor my Monet print my dad gave me from the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art.  It would look nice in this house.

I am so tired of the constant stress associated with this divorce. I am trying to move on with my life, one day at a time.  There are factors that make it tolerable, and there are factors that make it nearly unbearable.  It sometimes seems as if they are pitted against each other: as though I am not allowed to have any happiness in my life.  If Ed is unhappy then it must only be fair that I am also unhappy.

I am not happy about the divorce -- who ever is?  It saddens me and I know how it hurts the kids.  But at the same time, it is necessary and didn't come as a surprise to anybody.  So why can't we be adults about it and do what is best not only for the kids, but for each other's happiness as well.  I really do want Ed to be happy, because when he is happy, the kids will be happy as well.

Why am I not entitled to be happy?  

"Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness." (Motel Komzoil in "The Fiddler On The Roof")

I want to be happy.  Because when I am happy, I am healthier.  When I am healthier, I can do more and do it successfully.  When I am stressed, I become physicially weaker and I become anxious and sad.

I understand the concept of time.  I can be impatient with myself and want everything yesterday. I know I need to pace myself.

Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk

(Aerosmith: "Amazing")

Just when I think I find happiness it slips through my fingers.  Maybe someday happiness will find me.

Living Alone (October 2010)

From October 15, 2010

This weekend marks the first week I have ever lived "alone" in my entire adult life, even though I am not really alone-- I have my five beautiful girls with me.  As soon as I left home as a young adult I was with someone else, and have been for far longer than I ever even lived at home.  This week marks my first week as independent.

What started out as a very stressful week, is smoothing into a week that is more than tolerable.  I blame the good company I keep for lifting my spirits and making this transition go as smoothly as possible.  They are those who are the wind beneath my wings.

I am often completely mystified as to how I ended up being the recipient of so much love and concern for my well-being.  I can't even begin to describe the emotions that are frequently running through my head -- In spite of all the pain I have felt over the years, I still feel incredibly lucky and incredibly blessed, and incredibly loved.  If this is a dream, don't wake me up. 

Me at 2 years

Me, 4th Grade

Me, thanks to Ellie who took this

OK, I think it is time for a new hairstyle... why is it that the only photos that exist of me all have the same style? I wore my hair so many different ways throughout the years-- everything from long to short, curly, braided, straight... oh well.  Don't wake me up anyway.

Almost There (October 2010)

Almost There

From October 14, 2010

It doesn't look like it, but things are getting closer to being unpacked.  I know that I have a long way to go, and I'll get there eventually but it sometimes seems as if nothing is going anywhere, anyway.  One day we will suddenly realize we have stopped unpacking.  Maybe there will still be some straggling boxes that never made it unpacked, or maybe there won't be any left, but one thing is for certain: things will be far more organized than they are now!  I look forward to that day.

Tomorrow morning, Alex and his friend are bringing a van full of some of what was left behind in Bozeman.  He is supposed to arrive around 10 pm.   On Saturday, Shelby's boyfriend of about 6 or 7 years is coming for a visit.  It will be nice to see him again -- it has been a long time!  I think the last we saw him was his trip to Bozeman ... in 2006?

Next week's focus will be getting the kids started with their school work again -- 8:30 every morning, and submit the Intent To Homeschool form to the school district.  It would also be nice to get them started in dance.  And most importantly, get work.

Oct. 13, 2008: mini-snowman
on my back deck

Another Day (October 2010)

From October 13, 2010

Well, another day has gone by and several more boxes have been unpacked and things put away, which is a nice feeling.  There is still a lot that needs to be done and furniture that still needs to be arranged, and curtains or drapes to be hung which we don't have.  No one likes to spend much time in the living room for the lack of window treatments.  They like their privacy and I don't blame them-- its a big window!

Still need to speak to the Oak Harbor public school administration and to the dance studio...  it seems like every time I get one thing crossed off my list there is another item added.  I still need to find work and talk to the Nursing Department at SVC.  

I still need to contact the DSHS to get the kids on Medicaid which is something really low on my list of things I want to do, but have to do.... ranks right up there with getting a root canal.

One step at a time, each and every day...  

With my sister at a family reunion
Anacortes, 2010

Side Note:  Tonight is another NO CLONAZEPAM night for me (every other night for a week) and that usually means tomorrow is not going to be a good day physically or emotionally.... this is the hardest medication of which I have ever had to wean myself off, and there have been many medications over this past year.  It is hard to believe that it will have been a year since the ER merry-go-round began on October 26.... and after all this time, nobody has still figured anything out--- only what it is not, if it is anything at all.  I have had several EKGs, an ECC, a CT scan, a 3-day heart (Holter) monitor, skin biopsies, bone density scans, and every blood test imaginable, among other tests.   And all I ended up with were drugs used to treat anxiety and depression: something totally out of my norm.  Lets hope this chapter is ending and not continuing.

Gratitude (October 2010)

From October 12, 2010

I live for the bright spots.  These are the things that happen during the day that brighten an otherwise gloomy day.  Almost always, they are the direct result of the actions of others. 

I have a deep gratitude for those who go out of their way to make life a little easier for others.  I have always believed that the heart of the human soul is genuinely good, but we seldom get to see it in action.  It seems to be a natural character trait for some people -- they have a unique perspective on humanity and carry a positive outlook on life that radiates from within.  

I have been lucky enough to be the recipient of such generosity, particularly these past few and very difficult months.  I have been given many bright spots: a smile, kind words, a hug, a box of food, or even the benefit of the doubt where doubt weighed heaviest.  When I have been down in spirit, these bright spots are all I have been able to hold on to -- and they are what get me through the toughest days.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  Among the bad, we must see the good, or we will lose our perspective and go down with the defeated. It is integral to human nature to want to do good and to see the good in others.

I am grateful for those who have given me bright spots in my life -- those who make the day worth the effort:  my kids, my friends, my family -- you are in my heart forever.

Now for the funny moments of the day:  This morning my kids came running in to my room telling me my dad was here and that we had a doorbell!  We saw the doorbell box inside the house but couldn't find a doorbell outside the front door, so this was indeed good news for us.  We have a doorbell!!!  But it wasn't such good news when I answered the door in my raggedy tank top and sweats, my hair piled on top of my head, no makeup, and greeting the homeowner for the very first time.  He kept eyeing me while we talked, tilting his head as he looked me over from head to toe -- probably wondering what kind of person in their right mind would ever answer the door like that.  So much for first impressions!

This photo shows my four Nutcracker Ballet girls in 2008.  Rebekah, Ellie, Anna, and Marie  This year will be the first year in many years that my girls have not participated in some kind of Christmas dance recital or performance.  Holiday rehearsals and chaos have become a tradition which culminates in a beautiful performance, and marks the "okay, now we can really celebrate the holiday" atmosphere when its all over.  Most people will never understand until they've lived the life of a Dance Mom.  My kids have grown up on stage.  Ellie was 2 days old at her first Nutcracker.  It is all she has ever known.

Making Headway (October 2010)

From October 11, 2010

My journey in being a single mom is beginning.  Believe it or not, things are starting to move into place around the house... It is a gradual process as we continually rearrange things as we unpack.  But I think the house is going to be the easy part out of all of this.

There are still many things on my "To Do" list this week, and of course, the most important task: finding work and registering for January classes at SVC (next month).  There are a few job prospects out there, the question will be which one pays the most.  Though I have always been most comfortable in hospital settings, it may not be possible because the hospital jobs with which I have experience don't pay very well.  On the other hand, working in a medical capacity was mandatory in the Shoreline nursing program.... so we will see what direction this takes.

Moving day: What you can see in this photos is that I was having one of the worst days of my life.  An extremely long and difficult day, most of it being spent brow-beaten and constantly yelled at, no sleep, and not in good health.  I had been saying goodbye to a friend I had known during my entire stay in the Bozeman area and we had some tears to share.  She was brave in taking over packing for me for a little while when I was so worn out I couldn't do anymore.  You can see fatigue and utter despair.

What you can't see in this photo is the cat sitting on my back as I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees.  I really needed some air -- and no matter where I went outside, I still couldn't seem to get enough air.  I remembered all the hours I spent in the garden over the years, hunched over rows of growing vegetables with the cat sitting on my back.  It was a melancholy thought.

But at least the cat came with us to Washington.

Tonight begins the first night:  no clonazepam...the drug with which I've had a love/hate relationship with, that I now need to reduce to preserve my health.... I think.