Frustrations & Games (October 2010)

From October 20, 2010

One step forward, two steps back....  Seems to be my theme for this year.

Every day I need to remind myself to think positively.  But my mind continues to think realistically and reality isn't always looking so rosy or optimistic.  In fact, it looks pretty bleak from where I'm standing.

More than anything, my girls want to dance, and we found out today that there is a good chance it will not be an option for them.  The local dance studio here was a possibility because it was close enough that they could walk even if I had to work.  Now we find out that the most ballet they can offer is 2 hours per week, all levels combined.  There is no intermediate or advanced tap.

This is just not acceptable, particularly from the vantage point of a dancer who has worked long and hard to get to their acquired level of skill.  

3 of my dancers after
a Christmas production, 2009

Rebekah is used to dancing 9 1/2 hours per week, 6 1/2 of those spent in ballet alone.  Anne and Ellie are beginning pointe this year and are used to dancing a minimum of 4 hours per week.

The nearest dance school that looks even close to what they were doing in Bozeman is in Anacortes:  Fidalgo DanceWorks.  I have sent a query for information and we will see where it leads.  My biggest concerns are with rides because we would have to leave a half hour early and get home a half hour later.  I am not sure how this will possibly fit into my work schedule and/or school schedule this winter.

This worries me quite a bit because it is such a huge part of my girls' lives.  I need their father to help pay for this -- I would say at least 50% of the dance classes, on top of child support, but I don't think he will agree to it and it stresses me out just to listen to him yell.  It will be hard enough to make ends meet with child support and every cent of it should go to their care and not necessarily dance -- an 'extra-curricular' activity.  Yet it is what they want to do more than anything else.


I will take out all my frustration and worry on myself, as usual -- for being the idiot that came to this island in the first place.  I should have followed my original plan and stayed in the Seattle area.  Trying to maintain a positive attitude is nearly impossible considering the foul mood I'm in so I'm going to end this journal entry by accentuating the two steps backward with the fact that the appliances I brought with me are breaking down.  My fridge doesn't work and is desperately needed; and my washer is leaking water from underneath --and I can't afford to fix either.

In his most recent shipment of our things, Ed sent only the things the kids asked for and totally ignored the things that were most important to me (other than the printer which the kids need anyway), primarily the things that were personal to me.  I am so ready to be over this crap.  Will it ever end?  Where are my things going to end up and how am I ever going to get them?

Is it time to scream yet??

LATER:

I am enjoying dinner time with my girls on multiple levels every night.  Each one of them is so unique and yet so much like her sister, it is amazing to listen to and to watch.

I am not sure how it started, but each night since we have moved here, we have sat at the dining table and once dinner is served, the game Catch Phrase (kind of like the old Password game in the 1960s and 70s)  is started.  While we all blurt out words in an attempt to find the correct word before we run out of time, we laugh between bites and wonder how we ever managed to eat dinner at all.  After the time is up, the game is passed to the next person and it keeps going around the table until we are done eating.  No one is exempt, and we all must try at least once.

This has become our new dinner-time tradition, and I hope it is a tradition that will last.  It is so nice after a long day to sit down and just have some laughs.  And with my kids, it is easy to do.

It saddens me that Alex is not a part of this, but he doesn't seem to want to be a part of 'my' family anymore.  The night before we moved, I told him that I hoped he knew he was welcome at any time and he said something to the effect of "I'm not in your family anymore."  It took me by surprise and I wasn't sure he meant it the way it came out, and being under so much stress already that night, I didn't want to dig any further.  Alex's world is a whole other world since he started working full-time for his dad.  I lost my son.  He wants to spend time with his sisters and took them all out to dinner the night before we moved, but he wanted nothing to do with me.  I was judged and sentenced by my son without ever having been given a trial, or even a crime.

I know his sisters have missed him and enjoyed seeing him when he brought up a few additional belongings last weekend.   I hope someday he will understand a little more what it means to be an adult.  I know he butts heads with his dad over this same attitude as well, but his dad needs him too much to ignore him.  Alex has always known he can't manipulate me so he doesn't bother.  He just ignores me.  I try not to let it bother me, so I have just become numb to it.

Regardless of how I feel, I still have five wonderful daughters and they each have a brother.  These are my kids -- my family -- and I love each one of them dearly and couldn't ever imagine life without any of them.  They don't know it, but they are the reason I have survived this long.