Be forewarned: this is a dark post.
I am so angry with myself right now.
It seems like nothing I do ever turns out right. There is so much to do and I am not handling it. I am really frustrated at the lack of control I have in my life right now. I am not on top of the situation and I should be because no one else is going to do it for me-- it is simply something I need to do: take the bull by the horns.
I hate so many parts of my life:
- I hate not being able to provide for my kids.
- I hate not being a student because that is what I need to be doing more than anything and I have to wait.
- I hate that I can't homeschool my kids because Ed won't send me all their school books.
- I hate what he is doing to the kids by refusing to send the books when they could have easily been included in the things that came in the minivan later with Alex-- as well as the white board which we relied so heavily upon.
- I hate the fact that I have to buy things I spent a lot of money on that Ed won't send, or ask someone else to buy them. It would cost just as much to ship some of these things as to replace them, so maybe he should send money to replace them instead. Like that's ever going to happen.
- I hate having other people buy things for me because it makes me feel bad for them and disgusted with myself.
- I hate that I have to rely upon drugs to reduce my level of anxiety and stress.
- I hate that I can't seem to get healthy enough to have some normalcy in my life.
- I hate that I have NO NORMALCY in my life.
I feel like Trouble follows me everywhere I go, no matter how hard I try to avoid it... Trouble doesn't want me to be happy. So many times I feel like I am being punished -- sometimes by other people, but mostly by God -- God's revenge for a lifetime of indiscretions and this makes me sad because I will never be able to outrun or outlive every mistake I have ever made.
Just another thing to deal with. The darkness before the light...
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| Watching the welders work on a barge at an Anacortes shipyard while I wait for the girls to finish dance classes. |
:My dear Auntie, God does not bring punishment on any of us. Nor does He seek revenge. He is a loving, just God! Our choices often have consequences and God does discipline those He loves (just as we discipline our children in love) All is plans for you are for good.
ReplyDelete"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to give you hope and a future" -Jeremiah 29:11
Cry out to God, ask him to show you His truth. Believe that what He did on the cross is enough for you! I would love for you to attend church with my family sometime :)
Much love.