Brain Games (October 2010)

From October 24, 2010

My mind is so incredibly tired. 

Maybe it is just an adjustment period -- after 30 years of being told what to do and fighting back with what I knew was right to do, my mind is tired.  I've had to fight for so much over the years I seem to have lost the ability to call the shots that defend myself.  Someone needs to take me by the hand and say "This is what you're going to do because this is what is best for you."

I have been fighting the pills for a long time now.  On again, off again, back and forth-- a day on, a day off, depending on how bad things get and how high my anxiety level goes.  This is probably part of my problem and, admittedly, sometimes the pills win.  I have had so many health related problems over the past 12 months that even the slightest little thing sets my body into automatic anxiety overdrive.   

"We are not who we are" (X-Files: Ice Episode)

I think I lost myself somewhere during the last twelve months.  I used to be strong-willed and independent-minded.  Now I need constant direction because I have such a hard time dealing with what is set before me... the product of one medication over another, compounded with extreme stress associated with this divorce and the fact that I can't survive without money.  So I do the only thing I can do: throw myself out there and hope I survive.