From October 17, 2010
This is going to be a busy week for
me. My top priority is finding work.
Close behind that priority is continuing to unpack and setting up the computer and printers so that I can get the girls started on some kind of school routine even though their books and papers are not here. There is some we can do: US History, Spelling, and Algebra. Those books I have-- but nothing else arrived. Nor did my childhood artwork or other private things I had in the Bozeman garage.
I love homeschooling the kids. It is a learning process that we have honed over the years into a good system that works well for all the kids and for me. I look forward to homeschooling the girls again. But none of my white boards made it, nor my Monet print my dad gave me from the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art. It would look nice in this house.
I am so tired of the constant stress associated with this divorce. I am trying to move on with my life, one day at a time. There are factors that make it tolerable, and there are factors that make it nearly unbearable. It sometimes seems as if they are pitted against each other: as though I am not allowed to have any happiness in my life. If Ed is unhappy then it must only be fair that I am also unhappy.
I am not happy about the divorce -- who ever is? It saddens me and I know how it hurts the kids. But at the same time, it is necessary and didn't come as a surprise to anybody. So why can't we be adults about it and do what is best not only for the kids, but for each other's happiness as well. I really do want Ed to be happy, because when he is happy, the kids will be happy as well.
Why am I not entitled to be happy?
"Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness." (Motel Komzoil in "The Fiddler On The Roof")
I want to be happy. Because when I am happy, I am healthier. When I am healthier, I can do more and do it successfully. When I am stressed, I become physicially weaker and I become anxious and sad.
Close behind that priority is continuing to unpack and setting up the computer and printers so that I can get the girls started on some kind of school routine even though their books and papers are not here. There is some we can do: US History, Spelling, and Algebra. Those books I have-- but nothing else arrived. Nor did my childhood artwork or other private things I had in the Bozeman garage.
I love homeschooling the kids. It is a learning process that we have honed over the years into a good system that works well for all the kids and for me. I look forward to homeschooling the girls again. But none of my white boards made it, nor my Monet print my dad gave me from the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art. It would look nice in this house.
I am so tired of the constant stress associated with this divorce. I am trying to move on with my life, one day at a time. There are factors that make it tolerable, and there are factors that make it nearly unbearable. It sometimes seems as if they are pitted against each other: as though I am not allowed to have any happiness in my life. If Ed is unhappy then it must only be fair that I am also unhappy.
I am not happy about the divorce -- who ever is? It saddens me and I know how it hurts the kids. But at the same time, it is necessary and didn't come as a surprise to anybody. So why can't we be adults about it and do what is best not only for the kids, but for each other's happiness as well. I really do want Ed to be happy, because when he is happy, the kids will be happy as well.
Why am I not entitled to be happy?
"Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness." (Motel Komzoil in "The Fiddler On The Roof")
I want to be happy. Because when I am happy, I am healthier. When I am healthier, I can do more and do it successfully. When I am stressed, I become physicially weaker and I become anxious and sad.
I understand the concept of time. I can be impatient with myself and want everything yesterday. I know I need to pace myself.
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
(Aerosmith: "Amazing")
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
(Aerosmith: "Amazing")
Just when I think I find happiness it slips through my fingers. Maybe someday happiness will find me.
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