Boldly Going (October 2010)

From October 8, 2010

Today we started our journey toward a new life on Whidbey Island.  Last night was a very long and difficult night, paving the way for a long and difficult drive.  The truck driver arrived at about 8 am this morning and took off with the truck and trailer, while I waited for the girls to finish getting ready.  We left at about 9:30 Montana time and arrived in Spokane at about 3:20 Washington time.... a seven hour drive.

Tomorrow we hope to arrive in Oak Harbor by 2 pm.  The truck driver is supposed to call when he gets to Seattle so some people can plan to help us unload the truck.  It will be a very interesting day and another stressful day, though hopefully less stressful than the last 24 hours have been.

Many things were left behind, including dance bags for the girls, the dog crates (left by accident), a good portion of the food and all the spices.  Going to have to start from scratch for many things.  Alex plans to rent a van and bring as much as he can on Monday.  He says he is going to drive all the way through in one day but I'd rather he not do that.  It is one thing to drive 13 hours and share the ride, but it is a whole other story to drive all that way by yourself.  But he is insisting and says I should just accept it.  I told him I'm a mom and as long as I'm his mom, I'm going to worry about him.

I hope tomorrow will be a good day.  I have high hopes.

Explaining to Shelby many, many years ago the distillation process of water: the breakup of the oxygen and hydrogen molecule and the hydrogen bonding process of opposite-charged particles, and the difference between water (H2O) and hydrogen peroxide (H2O2).

Moving Day & the Edge of Panic (October 2010)

From October 7, 2010

Today is the day... the U-Haul is parked outside and ready to be loaded.  I am not ready for it to be loaded, but it is here, nonetheless.  The first barrage of people to help should be here at about 1 pm, followed within a few hours by others as they can, followed by those who can help finish the bulk of the loading this evening after work hours.

Today is going to be a rough day.  There is so much that needs to be done and the anxiety is working hard in my gut to keep me on edge. 
  

I need to fly the red flag today:

We will see how this works today....

LATER:

Ok,  I've been taking a look around the house and I am ready to hit the panic button.  The family room is only about half packed, the kitchen isn't even started and there are three closets and a bathroom to pack.  I still seriously doubt we have the room but somehow these things need to be packed anyway.

Been trying to eat and keep myself nourished but I have zero appetite and every breath is on the verge of panic.  I am really hoping to avoid taking the anti-anxiety drug, clonazepam, because I fear adverse effects which could in turn set things back even futher.  On the other hand, it might help reduce the sense of panic I am feeling, even at such an extremely low dose.

While writing this post my minivan was parked on the side of the road and somebody got too close to it and hit the driver's side mirror, completely knocking it to the ground and shattering it.  I am supposed to leave tomorrow.  This could be very bad.  It has to be fixed before I can go anywhere and I am supposed to leave tomorrow morning.

One step closer to the edge....

1 Day Till the Move (October 2010)

From October 6, 2010

Tomorrow we finalize all the packing and begin loading the moving truck and trailer.  By tomorrow night the truck needs to be ready to go, with the exception of mattresses and bedding.  Am I ready?  No.  But we will see how much gets done today.  I have to go very slow and take lots of breaks so it is taking a bit more time than I had hoped or expected.  There is an enormous amount of work that still needs to be done today but I am going to have to pace myself.

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." (Dory the fish, in Finding Nemo)

Healthwise, I reduced my anti-anxiety medication last night but again, am not sure if the timing is right.  I will keep it at this smaller dose for several days to a week, depending on how I am doing once we move.  My left jugular is still slightly distended as is my left carotid artery.   The last time I had similar symptoms I was weaning myself off of clonazepam-- which is why I made the decision to reduce my dosage again.  They may be completely unrelated, and this time my dosage is half what it was last time, but still, it can't hurt to get off of it completely.

My anxiety / depression is up just because this is already a very difficult thing to do and a lot of emotions are riding very close to the edge -- sometimes they spill over and there isn't anything I can do about it but ride it out like some kind of morbid roller coaster ride.  My kids are so brave and strong and I crumble at the slightest dip in the road.

"I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face."  (Johnny Depp) 

So in spite of the apparent futility in finishing packing tonight without overdoing it physically for me, I'll just keep swimming, taking lots of breaks.  Where we end up after tomorrow, is where we end up.

I think right now my brain is a mix of Dory the fish and Johnny Depp:  I think that means insane, but would have to look up the legal definition of insanity to clarify for certain.   :)

Girl With the Golden Heart (October 2010)

From October 6, 2010

Today I got an email from Rebekah, my girl with the golden heart.  She sent me a link to a YouTube video with a note that said simply:

"(Link) This song reminds me of you.  :)"

So I clicked on the link and was watching the video (English lyrics below) when she walked into my room and saw me with tears streaming down my face and laughing at the same time. She wasn't supposed to see that. It was in Japanese with English subtitles and.... a little on the random side. She doesn't know it yet, but it made my day. They were happy tears because I am so blessed to have such wonderful children-- each one is so special to me.

My beautiful girl with the golden heart, Rebekah, a little girl, and a teenager.

Always kind, always giving of herself.

Always With Me (Itsumo Nando Demo) From the movie Spirited Away:

(not complete lyrics)

Somewhere, a voice calls, in the depths of my heart

May I always be dreaming, the dreams that move my heart

So many tears of sadness, uncountable through and through

I know on the other side of them I'll find you

Every time we fall down to the ground we look up to the blue sky above

We wake to it's blueness, as for the first time

Though the road is long and lonely and the end far away, out of sight

I can with these two arms embrace the light

As I bid farewell my heart stops, in tenderness I feel

My silent empty body begins to listen to what is real

The wonder of living, the wonder of dying

The wind, town, and flowers, we all dance one unity

Somewhere a voice calls in the depths of my heart

keep dreaming your dreams, don't ever let them part

Why speak of all your sadness or of life's painful woes

Instead let the same lips sing a gentle song for you

The whispering voice, we never want to forget,

in each passing memory always there to guide you

When a mirror has been broken, shattered pieces scattered on the ground

Glimpses of new life, reflected all around

Window of beginning, stillness, new light of the dawn

Let my silent, empty body be filled and reborn

No need to search outside, nor sail across the sea

Cause here shining inside me, it's right here inside me

I've found a brightness, it's always with me

Of Money & Football, and 2 Days Till the Move (October 2010)

From October 5, 2010

"Money!  Money!  Money!  I NEED MONEY!!!"  (Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas movie)

I wouldn't be feeling too bad right now were it not for the fact that I am coming to Whidbey Island with no money and no money in my bank account and no way to get any money into that bank account by the end of the month even if I start working right away.  

The first bill to come out of that account within the next few days will be for the car insurance, and obviously not something I can do without.  I will be coming to the island on an empty gas tank.  Right now, my kids have more money than I do and I'm not going to be asking for their help when they have to find work for themselves to cover their own needs.

"I'd go out on the streets,  but you've only got one."  (Sally Field as recently divorced Emma in Murphy's Romance)

Ed has flip-flopped again -- first saying he would make sure we had some money to get by when we got there, and now he is so angry that he says I don't deserve any money, that he has spent all his money on this move and the fact that I am claiming the money as community property doesn't make any sense.  He says he doesn't care what the courts determine because as far as he is concerned there has been no marriage for years (red flag: stalling on future child support payments or reducing them).... makes me wonder why he never left years ago... I guess he still needed me around for some reason... like to run the business, his household, his kids, and his life...

My posts are all so depressing.  Kind of makes me want to stop writing for a while until there is something good to report.

Well then here is something positive to report:

In the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't sleep, I roamed around on the internet for awhile and checked out the latest blogs on the Denver Broncos website.  After watching the magic between quarterback Kyle Orton and head coach Josh McDaniels over the 2009 football season, I figured Orton was somebody who's career is only going to get better.  

He has been playing professionally for six years but Orton has already joined Peyton Manning (in 2009), Kurt Warner (2000) and Steve Young (1998) as the only quarterbacks in NFL history with 295 or more yards in each of the season’s first four games. They are the only passers in the history of pro football to accomplish this feat.  That can't be all too shabby.

Just in the most recent game against the Tennesse Titans he finished with 352 yards of total offense in a 26-20 comeback win.  In fact, his effort against the Titans marked Orton’s third consecutive 300-yard passing game. That represents the longest current streak in the league.

And if that isn't enough to impress someone, Orton has totaled 1,419 passing yards, the second most in NFL history through a player’s first four games.  With his two touchdown passes in the red zone against the Titans, he improved his career TD-to-INT ratio inside the 20-yard line to 43-3, which stands as the fourth best mark in the NFL among active players.

So in spite of the fact that Matt Hasselbeck led a great year for the Seahawks in 2007 with some impressive stats, he hasn't really done anything to match Orton's record since.  I have to give Hasselbeck credit for being the Seahawks' all-time highest-rated passer (83.3) just ahead of Dave Krieg's 82.3, and I have to give him credit for 17 career 300-yard games (over Dave Krieg's 11).  But Hasselbeck has been at this for 12 years now, twice the amount of experience as Denver's Kyle Orton...

Maybe Hasselbeck should have stayed in pro-bowling instead....  I'm just sayin'....

Now that I have a reason to smile, here is photo that makes me smile even more:

My two youngest are sitting on the skull of a triceratops at the Museum of the Rockies in 2006.  Ellie is eating a cookie, but you gotta love the smile on Anna's face!!

LATER:

2 days till the move!  There has been another setback in the child support.  Montana Vital Statistics never sent us Elena's birth certificate and a copy is required for CSED to determine child support.  It will take about 2 weeks before I receive it in Oak Harbor, so that adds another two weeks before I can send in the paperwork.   At least I can still get the CSED paperwork notarized while I am here.

Montana's average child support for three children is $9855/year, or $821.25/month... pretty low when compared to the cost of living on Whidbey Island. 

Back to another football note:

Pardon the random football notes.  It is how I cope with a very stressful situation.  

I really want to see the Broncos/Ravens game this Sunday but don't know if I will be able -- It is not likely to be broadcast in WA, anyway.  Right now the Broncos have the #1 ranked passing offense, but the Ravens are leading in pass defense....  could be a very interesting game (even though the Broncos lost to the Ravens last year).  The Baltimore Ravens have done pretty well, but Denver has the better players and they don't allow for a lot of running.  So I guess the running game may very well determine the winner. 

I better be able to find that game on the internet somewhere...

More smiles for me:

I think Anna's favorite museum exhibits have been the reptile and amphibian displays.  She has great admiration and appreciation for these cold-blooded creatures.  Here she is gazing admirably at a snake...

  

 ....who appears to be returning the intense gaze.

3 Days Till the Move & Strength (October 2010)

From October 4, 2010

 My daughter is stronger than I am and I admire her strength.  She has a plan already figured out for when we arrive on Whidbey Island and she has the willpower to carry through. 

I stole this poster off of her latest internet post:

I've got the courage to make this move, and I have the motivation to make this move.  I just wish I had the strength, physically and mentally to make this move.  Every day I wake up in tears because I don't know if I can get everything done-- feeling spread far too thin to do much good.

Maybe today will go better.

LATER:

3 days to go and battling some major depression the whole way.  

If all goes well, we will arrive late Saturday afternoon.  The girls will have to immediately take care of all their pets: dogs, cat, bird, tortoise, and Shelby's pets: guinea pig and fish.  At some point people will be there to help us unload.  Having never been in the house, I have no idea of the layout or the floorplan and my dad has been too busy taking care of my mother to get that done for me.  Things will be chaotic (just what I need, more chaos) because I will not know where to direct the boxes and furniture.

If it weren't for the fact that we won't have any food, I would probably do very little on Sunday.  But kids get hungry and they eat a lot.  So I have to at least tend to that.  I have been told that as soon as I get there I need to start worrying about the next month's rent -- as if I don't have anything else to worry about.  

For now my shortest-term goal includes more packing, taking breaks and reminding myself to breathe.  I am only one person and can't do it all.

I have a date with the Law & Justice Center today.

A picture that always makes me smile.
Anne and her little snow chicken, winter 2007

STILL LATER:

Still staying with the theme for the day:

After starting the day an emotional wreck, tonight is the first time in a month that I see progress.  There is still very much to do, but besides boxes stacked everywhere, the house is starting to empty and it looks like we're moving somewhere.

My family back home was able to round up the money for a trailer and the U-Haul driver agreed to haul it for a little more money and more gas money.  Also, I told Ed that if he doesn't help pack we are going to have to leave it and he will have to pack it anyway.  I have to take too many breaks to do it entirely on my own.  So he is helping to pack and things are finally moving along.  

I spent the morning at the Law & Justice Center and found out that we were not given the proper Child Support paperwork, so I still have to do that, have it notarized, and send it in within the next couple days.  The dissolution papers cannot even be filed until CSED (Child Support Enforcement Division) returns the result to me in Oak Harbor.  Then I send that to Ed, and he files the paperwork and sets the court date.  But we did sign everything and had everything notarized.  So there was at least a little progress there and less to be done later.

My girls have also been very busy today also: doing their own packing; attempting to trim Mabel, the Shih Tzu (so we don't have to spend $50 to have Pet Smart do it); and helping me with whatever I need.  They are a little slow because they spend so much time talking and laughing, but it is better than the alternative, so I do not complain.

Four Heads are better than one!!  This photos is of the four youngest girls in 2006.  They are older and more grown up now, but this is how I still usually see them everyday: happy, friendly, and always together.  Someday I'd like to get a picture of all my kids together, and maybe even one with me as well.

The Monumental Challenge (October 2010)

From October 3, 2010

This is going to be a challenge of monumental proportions for me and am not sure I am physically up to the task -- I've become way too fragile this past year.  Even if I have enough room in the moving truck, I don't think I will be able to pack everything anyway... just too much for me this time....

Too much to pack
Too many things to remember to do before I leave
Too many things to remember to do when I get there
Too many things to worry about
Too few days to get it all done. 

I am too close to the edge of panic.  I need an ally: someone to take over for me when I get there because I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of rest and my kids are going to need a fully functional adult.  I am not so sure I can be the adult they will need.  I have a feeling I'm going to be pretty useless for a little while.

"...all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."  (a scripture from somewhere, I'm not sure where)

I think I have aged 15 years in this past month alone.

My 2 youngest visiting grandparents in WA, 2008

4 Days Till the Move & Football (October 2010)

From October 3, 2010

Today' goal was to finish the master bedroom and the family room.  If there was time,  I was going to work on the laundry room as well.  Because I think we are quickly running out of room in the truck, we may not be able to take the crafts that we wanted for the craft room in the new house.  

The bad news is that we ran out of boxes.  I guess that in the end, Ed still dictates what we bring and don't bring.  In looking around the room I am seeing how futile it is to bother packing.  All the craft books and magazines and patterns; home videos; office supplies (paper, envelopes, tape, staples, etc)... 

I felt better once the Denver Broncos won the game against the Tennessee Titans in the last two minutes of the game.  Now they are 2-2, so we will see how they do against the Baltimore Ravens, who are currently 3-1. I won't see next week's game because we won't have TV, so maybe I can follow it on the internet.  I may go into Bronco-withdrawal.

Orton launches pass against the Titans

5 Days Till the Move & Running Out of Steam (October 2010)

From October 2, 2010

In spite of the difficulties and set-backs this week, time keeps marching on and we are down to 5 days until the U-Haul arrives to be loaded in the morning.  My hopes and prayers are that today will be a very productive day and a healthy one.  

I did get a lot done today, and hope to have a repeat tomorrow-- lots of boxes getting packed.  But I am seriously doubting we will have the room in the truck for everything.  Ed absolutely refuses to help with a second smaller truck.  He is telling me if we want it we will just have to come back and get it at our own expense.  Which isn't going to happen for quite some time -- possibly no sooner than Ed moves to WA himself (which he will never do).... kind of like he is keeping them hostage... just another way to punish me for wanting out of this marriage.  And yet he threatened me so many times I find it hard to believe that he is blaming me for breaking up this marriage when he has been saying it was over years ago himself.

I guess I am the target of all his anger, still, and maybe someday he will finally be at peace with it and with himself.  I don't know.  It will be hard to leave because this has been my home for so long.  It will also be hard because we have a 27-year-history together.  So no matter how hard it was during that time, there is still a history there that can never be erased.

I still have hope for a brighter and calmer future, whatever comes my way.  My biggest worry is still my financial responsibility to make ends meet, but hopefully that will settle in time also.

My 2 cars: Random and 8 Notes, their last winter together

6 Days till the Move & Worries (October 2010)

From October 1, 2010

Today marks six days until we need to load the moving truck.  That means we have to be done packing everything by Wednesday night and be ready to go, including sleeping out of suitcases for the night.

To work backwards from that day, all the kitchen and bathroom items need to be packed on Wednesday and that should finalize everything.  In a nutshell, the rest of the house must be completed by Tuesday night.... 4 Days.  That is a lot to do in 4 days.

My doctor is not at the hospital today, so I am being seen by his PA, Ted Price at 3:15.  The lump on my jugular vein is still there but not as easily seen as it was last night, unless you touch the vein below the swelling.  The vein itself seems slightly distended but as the doctor told me last night it just means there is pressure being applied from somewhere else (without going into any specifics).  I know this routine all too well.  Don't say anything you are not certain of, and don't say anything to frighten the patient.  I call it the runaround -- at least in my case -- because its what they are not saying to me that frightens me more.  If they could address the possible causes directly, I would be more informed and know whether it is something I need to worry about or not.

Heaven knows I've been through the medical wringer for the past twelve months.  This time I am truly out of time.  Scheduling CT scans often takes weeks and I have only a few days, and no medical provider or insurance on Whidbey Island.  Not a good way to start life in a new town.  This frightens me because I think back to my post (Message In A Bottle) and wonder how I am going to survive it all.

Ellie (far left) was a sheep in this story-time dance production in October 2009.  My painted panels are
in the background.

Leap of Faith (September 2010)

From September 29, 2010

OK I am going to take the advice of loved ones and jump forward with a leap of faith into this move.  I've got to quiet my brain and put my worries behind me, no matter what logic is telling me.

My kids need to know that they have a place in which to call home for the next couple of years and we all need to stop worrying and just concentrate on moving.  I will put forth new effort in order to avoid stressing myself out.

Dear Shelby, please don't worry so much about finding a job.  I will be looking too, and we can help each other out to the best of our abilities.  Take it from a stress-pro:  take a breather, have some faith, and let the rest fall into place... because it will.

Dear Marie, please don't worry about trying keeping your mother happy.  You are my peacemaker and my peacekeeper -- it is a calling you've had since birth.  You always want things to go so smoothly and with your strength, they will.  But remember to concentrate on your own studies as well.  Have faith, and the rest will fall into place.

Dear Rebekah, you are my golden child -- please don't be so sad about leaving your friends behind and about leaving band.  I will see to it that you can continue dancing and continue your music -- now we will have a music room where you can actually set up your instruments!!  Maybe one day you will finally have that Marimba!  Have faith, and let the rest fall into place.

Dear Anne, you are my tough-as-nails girl.  You are headstrong and have great potential to do so much good.  I have no doubt you will make a positive impact on this world.  In the meantime, I'm going to trust you to keep the troops fed at home (sorry) and trust you to do your homework every day so that you don't get behind.  Have faith, and the rest will fall into place.

My dear little Ellie, I am so sorry that you were not able to participate in all the dance auditions for this winter.  But I hope you also know there will be many other auditions ahead of you that include lead parts just like the one you are leaving behind.  Perhaps you will have a chance for something you never dreamed you'd be able to do!!  I need you to have faith especially because you are so close to me.  Don't worry -- you will make new friends and still keep the old ones!  They will always be your friends.  Have faith little angel, and the rest will fall into place.

Alex, you are not coming with us but I hope you know that you are forever welcome wherever we live, and at any time.  Your sisters are going to miss you and I will miss you as well.  But at the same time, I know you are doing what you want to do because it is your decision and I respect that.  I know the blood that runs in your veins and understand more than you realize.  You need to have faith too -- not just in me, but in yourself.

So whether we're in the same town or not, we're all doing something we've never done before.  We're starting a new chapter in our lives and we're doing it together.  I'm taking a leap of faith and breathing a little easier.  I'm not going to worry about it any more because I truly feel things will work out.

...and everything else will fall into place.

Rebekah and her Goofy Percussion Pals, Jan. 2010

My Nutcracker Ballet girls, 2007

Alex, always the clown

And a bunch of pictures of Shelby, just to make her smile!

These are from the "Stolen Hat Era"

Borrowing one hat...

...and borrowing another hat...

And if there is no hat to borrow... 

...She will find something else!

The girl who loves to make people smile!

These are my kids.... and I love them.  They are my life, my reason for doing the things I do.  They keep me going when I am down, and bring me back up to sanity again and again.  

9 Days (September 2010)

From September 28, 2010

I wish my cell phone camera did justice to this scene this morning as I picked Anne up from band at school.  The morning sun was playing with the shadows through several layers of hills and mountains with color-changing trees in the foreground.  I am going to miss these mountains.  They have kept me company through the past 15 years of my life.

Today's packing goal is to clean-up where we left off in the living room and dining room, work more in the family room, and also my room (master bedroom).

So here we are, in 9 days the U-Haul arrives, I've got no job and the homeowners and my parents are worried that I won't be able to pay the rent.  Can I add my name to that list?  Because I have doubts enough of my own.

Bridger Mountains

Hopes & Dreams (September 2010)

From September 27, 2010

So Rebekah comes into my room tonight, holding back tears (and this is a child who does not cry easily), telling me that her dad says once she has moved she will never be able to come back to this area again.  Bozeman is the only town Rebekah has ever known, and her friends are here, as well as the college she would some day like to attend as a music major.  

He also told her she should quit dance and band this week, rather than next week (I had promised her this final week of band and dance).  This brought her to tears because she is actually very social and has a lot of friends.  She is having a hard time saying goodbye to them as it is.  She wants to spend every last hour (in band or dance) with them.  Probably a good idea because she likely won't be dancing or playing in band for at least a week after we get there anyway.

She is also concerned because her dad is telling her she can't go to band at OHHS because it is too far for her to ride a bike.  It is a bit of a jaunt and this concerns me as well.  But if the Oak Harbor school district will allow homeschoolers to attend band, it is something she is desperately going to want to do, particularly if we can't afford private percussion lessons.  Her current percussion teacher is compiling a list of private teachers in the area for her already.  He is a member of the Bozeman Symphony (just like Anne's trumpet teacher) and has connections in the Seattle area.  He also seems familiar with Whidbey Island area music teachers.

We will see what comes of this, but is it necessary to take away a child's hopes and dreams during a time that is already going to be so difficult?  I told her Yes, we will come back.  It may not be for a couple years but we will make sure we return if only for a visit.  Maybe once I get my degree we can make a Yellowstone visit out of it and she can see her friends again.  That way, she won't have to wait so long.  Regardless, the last thing I want to do is take her hope away.

Rebekah on the Marimba

Rebekah and her favorite percussion instrument, the Marimba

She is holding four mallets: red and blue

10 Days (September 2010)

From September 27, 2010

In 10 days the U-Haul will be parked outside.  We are supposed to put more fragile items above the cab and then load the heaviest things first.  Makes sense except I don't know if I'll be done packing.  Guess I better pack the books first because we have a lot of them and they will be the heaviest. The guy who has been hired to drive the U-Haul says he wants to check the packing and make sure it is being done correctly.  Well good luck with that since several people will be "voluntarily" loading it for me.

Today's goal included finishing the Living Room, packing the Dining Room, sorting more crafts (fabrics and yarn, etc) from the Laundry/Craft Room, and working on the Family Room.  A good portion of this got completed -- just need some help on a couple things.  On top of the packing I had to get Karen to trumpet lessons, Jen to percussion lessons (their last lessons for a while), and Jen to ballet tonight.  

This is a critical year in dance for Karen and Elena and so it is my hope that we will be able to work something out with the local dance studio or that Ed will agree to pay for at least half of their dance classes or use some of their child support money when that kicks in -- either way it will end up coming from the same source.

Tomorrow morning the windshield will be repaired on the minivan and then I have to meet Ed at the courthouse to get the kinks out of the dissolution papers and send off the child support paperwork.

One day closer to putting the past behind and starting forward with a new life.  

Besides my concern of finding work as soon as possible to bring in some kind of money, I am a little concerned about Alex.  I haven't spoken to him in a while (this is how he seems to like it) but I know it must bother him at least a little that his siblings will be so far away and he won't have that immediate connection with them.  When I mentioned to Ed that Alex is free to visit whenever he wants, he adamantly refused (Ed refused, not Alex) saying he (Alex) won't have any money or way to get out there.  I told him he can take a bus -- I'll even pay for it if I can -- Ed still wouldn't listen.  It felt like he was using Alex as a tool and I wondered how much of this he had actually discussed with Alex.  I hope to have a chance to talk to Alex myself soon.

Even though Alex has been on his own for several years now (since just out of high school), and even though he has lived out of town for a while, I always miss him and care about him.  He is still my child and I'm still his mom, and like it or not, I'm always going to worry about him and want him to be around.  But that will have to be his decision, just as it always has been.

I will say that he seemed to really like the island when he was there for the family reunion in August.
     

Bozeman, MT

This is Black Street, early fall in Bozeman, where I wait for Jen to finish her perussion lessons. This street becomes completely golden every fall, as do all the others in town.  

Sad, but this is the only town the four youngest kids remember!!