Disclaimer: I was married for 27 years before I finally decided that if I was going to survive, I was going to have to leave. There were many problems that stemmed way back when... but with a household full of kids, and being a perpetual optimist, always hoping things would iron themselves out, but since I was the only one willing to work on my marriage, it never went very far.
I wrote the following series of blog posts 2 years before I left -- knowing something was wrong with my husband, but not being able to put my finger on any one factor. I do not claim total innocence in our divorce -- but I can hold myself accountable, whereas it was something he could not even fathom. Maybe this will help someone going through tough times, maybe it won't, but if one person gains some insight into their own marriage or relationship, then it was worth it, right?
From April 5, 2008:
Don’t Give Up. At this point, many people will wonder why bother staying in this kind of weird relationship? My husband may appear to many people as “useless.” Why stay married if you have to lead the life of a single parent? To me, giving up would mean giving up on another human being. He has a right to happiness as much as the rest of us. I may not be thrilled with the constant and repetitive mistakes he has made over the years, but I can be forgiving. I know I am far from perfect and have my own faults to deal with.
I may not be able to share deep, emotional sentiments with my husband; and I may never convince him that some of the things he does are not “socially” acceptable—but giving up on him is giving up on a child of God. In many ways, he is someone who cannot fend for himself in the same way that I can. And if that turns out to be true, what right do I have to abandon that person?
There is a joke on an old “Everybody Loves Raymond” episode where Debra implies to Ray that she keeps him around to “kill spiders and open jars”. In many ways, that is nearly the gist of it. You will have to be the parent not only to your kids, but to your spouse. You must not tell him this, of course, because he will strike back. You just deal with it and move on.
Don’t give up. He already gives up on himself so many times on a daily basis, he can’t afford to have others give up on him, too. If something is a challenge, the autistic spouse will see it as insurmountable and he won’t do it. You will need to provide constant pep-talks to keep him going. Because he cannot voice his feelings, he has difficulties voicing his opinions. If someone doesn’t agree with his opinion, he feels that all is lost and he gives up. It’s that ole’ sphere-thing again. He thinks everything is personal to him.
Every day, he will commit to something and fail to follow through. To stick with something, even when it gets hard, you have to face yourself and ask yourself whether it is worth it or not. This is too much to ask him. His frustration forces him to quit. Forget allowing him to make any promises because keeping them means absolutely nothing to him. It is a very foreign concept. Promises just do not mean anything to him, any more than someone saying in passing “How are you doing” and the passing response “fine, thanks”—that’s about as much weight as a promise carries. This is one of the missing bricks (see Part 2).
Don’t give up on yourself. If you would like to take courses in personal enrichment, or a gym class, go right ahead. You will need these outlets to help you focus. On the other hand, do not expect support or encouragement. Your spouse may be proud of you, but he will never tell you. He will never encourage you when you are having a down day, or dealing with an assignment that is particularly hard. This kind of social interaction is virtually impossible for him. It will never occur to him to encourage you to do better, or to not give up, or to keep going. It is not because he doesn’t care, but because his mind is unable to encapsulate sympathetic feelings toward another. It is not in his nature.
Next time: The Sphere explained...
Don’t Give Up. At this point, many people will wonder why bother staying in this kind of weird relationship? My husband may appear to many people as “useless.” Why stay married if you have to lead the life of a single parent? To me, giving up would mean giving up on another human being. He has a right to happiness as much as the rest of us. I may not be thrilled with the constant and repetitive mistakes he has made over the years, but I can be forgiving. I know I am far from perfect and have my own faults to deal with.
I may not be able to share deep, emotional sentiments with my husband; and I may never convince him that some of the things he does are not “socially” acceptable—but giving up on him is giving up on a child of God. In many ways, he is someone who cannot fend for himself in the same way that I can. And if that turns out to be true, what right do I have to abandon that person?
There is a joke on an old “Everybody Loves Raymond” episode where Debra implies to Ray that she keeps him around to “kill spiders and open jars”. In many ways, that is nearly the gist of it. You will have to be the parent not only to your kids, but to your spouse. You must not tell him this, of course, because he will strike back. You just deal with it and move on.
Don’t give up. He already gives up on himself so many times on a daily basis, he can’t afford to have others give up on him, too. If something is a challenge, the autistic spouse will see it as insurmountable and he won’t do it. You will need to provide constant pep-talks to keep him going. Because he cannot voice his feelings, he has difficulties voicing his opinions. If someone doesn’t agree with his opinion, he feels that all is lost and he gives up. It’s that ole’ sphere-thing again. He thinks everything is personal to him.
Every day, he will commit to something and fail to follow through. To stick with something, even when it gets hard, you have to face yourself and ask yourself whether it is worth it or not. This is too much to ask him. His frustration forces him to quit. Forget allowing him to make any promises because keeping them means absolutely nothing to him. It is a very foreign concept. Promises just do not mean anything to him, any more than someone saying in passing “How are you doing” and the passing response “fine, thanks”—that’s about as much weight as a promise carries. This is one of the missing bricks (see Part 2).
Don’t give up on yourself. If you would like to take courses in personal enrichment, or a gym class, go right ahead. You will need these outlets to help you focus. On the other hand, do not expect support or encouragement. Your spouse may be proud of you, but he will never tell you. He will never encourage you when you are having a down day, or dealing with an assignment that is particularly hard. This kind of social interaction is virtually impossible for him. It will never occur to him to encourage you to do better, or to not give up, or to keep going. It is not because he doesn’t care, but because his mind is unable to encapsulate sympathetic feelings toward another. It is not in his nature.
Next time: The Sphere explained...
No comments:
Post a Comment