Of Punching Bags and Gardens (July 2010)

From July 9, 2010

For some reason I have been the target of a lot of verbal punching over the past couple of days.  Every time I say something, no matter how small or mundane, I'm getting my head bitten off.  The only thing comforting about being a punching bag is that his anger is not being taken out on the kids.  I understand his frustration but still don't think it is fair that I am the target of everything he hates, loathes, and despises.  His words to me are dripping with venom and animosity.  It brings tears to my heart but I know that eventually it passes.  

I wish there was some way of reaching him, but I don't think I will ever be allowed deep in there, and I don't believe I ever have been.  I don't believe anything will ever change because I think there may be something wrong emotionally and mentally, that cannot be fixed with therapy or pills-- I think it could be manageable, but it can never be managed if he doesn't believe there is anything to manage.  

And so I continue, one day at a time, always hoping the next day will be a better, brighter day.

The day is going to end as it started: quiet and relatively peaceful, in spite of the horrendous middle when Ed came home.  He was in a foul mood and couldn't act mean enough toward me.  I felt bad for living!  But I think he has since calmed down.  It is hard to be the target of his animosity so much of the time.  The only consolation is that I know it is just all his anger and frustration with everything around him and his inability to control it.  He takes it out on me, the human punching bag.  But it is not easy being a punching bag.

Regardless, the day was a hot one, in the 90s.  I would have enjoyed it were it not for the fact that I still don't have the garden put in yet.  I have several plants waiting, so I hope to get them in the ground this weekend.

 As you can see, the garden has a long ways to go!!

Too bad I can't harvest the grass for anything!

Still hoping to take the trip to Washington to see my family this August for the family reunion.  It will be hard to save up for it and hard to take the trip, but well worth it.  You just never know when it will be the last time we are all together, and I don't want to be the one that's missing.

Till next time...