I was married for 27 years before I finally decided that if I was going to survive, I was going to have to leave. There were many problems that stemmed way back when... but with a household full of kids, and being a perpetual optimist, always hoping things would iron themselves out, but since I was the only one willing to work on my marriage, it never went very far.
I wrote the following series of blog posts 2 years before I left -- knowing something was wrong with my husband, but not being able to put my finger on any one factor. I do not claim total innocence in our divorce -- but I can hold myself accountable, whereas it was something he could not even fathom. Maybe this will help someone going through tough times, maybe it won't, but if one person gains some insight into their own marriage or relationship, that it was worth it, right?
From April 5, 2008:
There are so many variations of what
constitutes marriage these days, how long it will last can only be determined by individual
circumstances. At this point in time, I can only state what is true for me. In my personal case, my husband has deep
issues that continually interfere with any kind of normalcy: manic-depressive? Bi-Polar? Autism? I guess we will never know, because he does
not believe he has any problems. Let me
explain…
What is it like? For me, my marriage is hard on
the soul; lonely; and though it can be rewarding at times, I would not
recommend it unless you are very strong and very secure in self. For me, the
strength was slow in coming. I never saw myself as fiercely independent or
strong, but experience and years have toughened me and strengthened me.
I can break it down into different
stages. At first, I simply made excuses for his behavior. It
was the manner in which he was raised (in a physically abusive and substance abusive home); it was his environment; it was
self-esteem; it was his drug and alcohol abuse.
During the second stage, it
becomes personal. After so many years of continued behavior and
mistakes, you can only come to the conclusion that it must be you! If the same
mistakes are being made over and over, the thinking changes: he doesn’t care
for me; doesn’t like the person I have grown into; is not in love with
me—followed by serious doubts that he was ever in love with
me.
The third phase is resignation:
this is my fate, this is what God has dealt me and if anything, this union has
brought six beautiful and wonderful new people into the world. I don’t take
most of what he says or does personally anymore. That does not mean that some
of his attitudes and actions no longer hurt me, because my exterior does have
weak spots. But it often leads to loneliness; the desire to talk to others
about ordinary issues and topics; the desire to grow in wisdom with another
adult who loves and cares for you and for your children. I miss that greatly.
I hope that the last and final stage
will be “peace” but that can only happen when my husband is
finally at peace with himself. This may never come unless there is a diagnosis
and a resignation on my husband’s part that there really was something wrong
all these years and it wasn’t the rest of the world with the problem. Much of
the time I am doubtful this phase will ever occur because of his pride. An
admission that there is something wrong (regardless of diagnoses) seems at this time
to be far out of the question. How can he admit or acknowledge something he
doesn’t know or believe he’s missing?
Next time: Advice
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