From
August 21, 2010
I
don't think I've ever been as frightened as I am tonight. These
unpredictable moods of Ed's are scaring me and I am worried -- hopefully
unnecessarily so. One minute he is okay with things and the next minute he is
furious. He won't talk to me (in a civil manner) and he sometimes seems
incoherent, as if he doesn't understand the gravity of what he is saying.
He
doesn't understand that I need out in order to survive. He keeps telling
me I won't be able to do it and that I can't come crawling back to him.
After 27 years of this, why would I ever want to come crawling back? For
once in my life I would like to move forward. I need to move forward in
order to survive. He tells me that this is going to be too hard for me
and I won't be able to handle it. I think I have handled so much for
these past years that I will be just fine.
I
am not expecting a walk in the park. I know it is going to be insanely
hard, especially at first. But I will recover, and I will survive.
I have to survive. My biggest fear is his reaction -- whether it be
mental or physical. And that scares me greatly. I want things to be
civil and peaceful. But I have serious doubts as to whether that can ever
happen with him. He contradicts himself in the same sentence and doesn't
make much sense. That usually means trouble is not far behind.
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