Disclaimer: I was married for 27 years before I finally decided that if I was going to survive, I was going to have to leave. There were many problems that stemmed way back when... but with a household full of kids, and being a perpetual optimist, always hoping things would iron themselves out, but since I was the only one willing to work on my marriage, it never went very far.
I wrote the following series of blog posts 2 years before I left -- knowing something was wrong with my husband, but not being able to put my finger on any one factor. I do not claim total innocence in our divorce -- but I can hold myself accountable, whereas it was something he could not even fathom. Maybe this will help someone going through tough times, maybe it won't, but if one person gains some insight into their own marriage or relationship, then it was worth it, right?
From April 5, 2008:
Trust your Instincts. Your spouse will often exhibit very childlike behavior—be prepared for temper tantrums (on an adult scale), and be prepared to live with an adult who ordinarily should share in the role of parenting, but who rarely will. He will grumble and whine and complain when asked to do chores that most husbands and fathers take on as part of the job. He will sulk and pout when he doesn’t get his way, and he will do many things behind your back. This is because he is not thinking things all the way through—he is unable to see past the present. This very often leads to impulsive behavior. Your challenge will be to do the thinking for him, in whatever way you can, without him realizing it.
He will handle his anger like a child. He will slam things, bang things around, and usually over the same issues every time. For example, he will love the puppy until it has an accident that he has to clean. Then he will rage over how he hates it and he will slam and throw everything around, and slug the floor multiple times while cleaning it. He may sulk for a while afterward, but it will be forgotten tomorrow. This is his general reaction to everything that angers him. Don’t be surprised if your children show more maturity in handling things than your husband. If you shake your head, roll your eyes, or give him a dirty look, his lack of maturity will just cause him to strike back. It isn’t worth it. Just go with the flow.
If you have done something to make him upset, he will clam up because he cannot verbally express himself. This is why he becomes physical, sometimes to the point of physical aggression. Keep in mind that this is his frustration speaking. Because he cannot vent verbally, he will vent physically. If not that, he will sit and stew pretty much until steam comes out of his ears. By then, he just wants out, or he will explode. And so he runs away to avoid the confrontation. If he is upset because of something you have done, trying to justify it will not usually help. He will only be able to see the result and not the intent. This makes him appear to be a selfish person, but don’t bother trying to point it out to him. Any attempt to get him to face himself will be futile. Follow your instincts and learn when to push and when not to.
Next time: Don't give up...
Trust your Instincts. Your spouse will often exhibit very childlike behavior—be prepared for temper tantrums (on an adult scale), and be prepared to live with an adult who ordinarily should share in the role of parenting, but who rarely will. He will grumble and whine and complain when asked to do chores that most husbands and fathers take on as part of the job. He will sulk and pout when he doesn’t get his way, and he will do many things behind your back. This is because he is not thinking things all the way through—he is unable to see past the present. This very often leads to impulsive behavior. Your challenge will be to do the thinking for him, in whatever way you can, without him realizing it.
He will handle his anger like a child. He will slam things, bang things around, and usually over the same issues every time. For example, he will love the puppy until it has an accident that he has to clean. Then he will rage over how he hates it and he will slam and throw everything around, and slug the floor multiple times while cleaning it. He may sulk for a while afterward, but it will be forgotten tomorrow. This is his general reaction to everything that angers him. Don’t be surprised if your children show more maturity in handling things than your husband. If you shake your head, roll your eyes, or give him a dirty look, his lack of maturity will just cause him to strike back. It isn’t worth it. Just go with the flow.
If you have done something to make him upset, he will clam up because he cannot verbally express himself. This is why he becomes physical, sometimes to the point of physical aggression. Keep in mind that this is his frustration speaking. Because he cannot vent verbally, he will vent physically. If not that, he will sit and stew pretty much until steam comes out of his ears. By then, he just wants out, or he will explode. And so he runs away to avoid the confrontation. If he is upset because of something you have done, trying to justify it will not usually help. He will only be able to see the result and not the intent. This makes him appear to be a selfish person, but don’t bother trying to point it out to him. Any attempt to get him to face himself will be futile. Follow your instincts and learn when to push and when not to.
Next time: Don't give up...
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