Disclaimer: I was married for 27 years before I finally decided that if I was going to survive, I was going to have to leave. There were many problems that stemmed way back when... but with a household full of kids, and being a perpetual optimist, always hoping things would iron themselves out, but since I was the only one willing to work on my marriage, it never went very far.
I wrote the following series of blog posts 2 years before I left -- knowing something was wrong with my husband, but not being able to put my finger on any one factor. I do not claim total innocence in our divorce -- but I can hold myself accountable, whereas it was something he could not even fathom. Maybe this will help someone going through tough times, maybe it won't, but if one person gains some insight into their own marriage or relationship, then it was worth it, right?
From April 5, 2008:
Be Smart. You will need to handle all the finances of the family that come your way because your spouse is horrible with budgeting. His financial reasoning may sound logical at times, but he will never be able to stick to anything he agrees to. You will need to be firm, and this will mean you will likely have to pay bills or purchase necessities without his knowledge, or be the “bad guy” on occasion. He will criticize your methods, but given the alternative choice, let it go at that.
Because he has no hindsight or foresight, it doesn’t occur to him to use willpower to stick to a budget. If, for example, the power bill costs a little more this time, he will save it for later. That means he will spend his money now, since he doesn’t have enough for the big-ticket item anyway. It doesn't matter that the power bill is only going to get larger and you are only going to have even less money to deal with. A smart consumer looks at that picture quite a bit differently. His version of “later” translates to “never” because it isn’t always going to be in plain sight for him: remember, if it isn’t in front of him, it doesn’t exist. By the time he “remembers” it, the late charges will rack up, the next bill will be due.
Because he abhors writing or keeping records of any kind, he will not write lists to himself or notes—you will need to serve as his memory. This will invariably cause many problems because we can’t all follow our spouses around all day to serve as their personal palm pilot. It may also cause resentment down the road and additional stress when you become the sole memory for the entire family—who needs to be where, when, etc. Your spouse will constantly ask what the schedule is, even though the schedule hasn’t changed in a year or more. Finally, one day he will show up where he is supposed to, but by then the schedule will have changed and he won’t be in the right place.
Do not take him shopping with you. I probably don’t even need to explain this one.
Do not take him with you when taking the children to doctor appointments. This will only rob the kids of the doctor’s full attention as their dad steals the scene and unloads all his physical complaints. Because he is like a child in so many ways, he will demand equal attention (but will deny ever having done that, so don't even go there). If you happen to need medical attention yourself, do not expect sympathy and understanding— his concerns will more likely lie with who is going to make dinner if you’re not, or how he is going to pay for the medical expense. Sharing your health concerns is up to you, though he will likely have one bigger or worse than yours anyway.
Teach your kids table manners and other necessary social niceties. This will allow them to see the difference between normal, acceptable social behavior and that which is not. When possible, include your husband under the guise that “its good for the kids”. It is better if you can read out of a book or watch a video on it, otherwise he will take it personally and think you are just trying to pit the kids against him. Remember, he does not perceive intent— he will take anything everyone does—personally, whether intended or not. It sounds egotistical, and in many ways, the “suspected autistic husband” is just that. It is his sphere and we often get sucked into it against our will by his assumptions that everything we do and say are about and because of him.
Next time: Trust your instincts
Be Smart. You will need to handle all the finances of the family that come your way because your spouse is horrible with budgeting. His financial reasoning may sound logical at times, but he will never be able to stick to anything he agrees to. You will need to be firm, and this will mean you will likely have to pay bills or purchase necessities without his knowledge, or be the “bad guy” on occasion. He will criticize your methods, but given the alternative choice, let it go at that.
Because he has no hindsight or foresight, it doesn’t occur to him to use willpower to stick to a budget. If, for example, the power bill costs a little more this time, he will save it for later. That means he will spend his money now, since he doesn’t have enough for the big-ticket item anyway. It doesn't matter that the power bill is only going to get larger and you are only going to have even less money to deal with. A smart consumer looks at that picture quite a bit differently. His version of “later” translates to “never” because it isn’t always going to be in plain sight for him: remember, if it isn’t in front of him, it doesn’t exist. By the time he “remembers” it, the late charges will rack up, the next bill will be due.
Because he abhors writing or keeping records of any kind, he will not write lists to himself or notes—you will need to serve as his memory. This will invariably cause many problems because we can’t all follow our spouses around all day to serve as their personal palm pilot. It may also cause resentment down the road and additional stress when you become the sole memory for the entire family—who needs to be where, when, etc. Your spouse will constantly ask what the schedule is, even though the schedule hasn’t changed in a year or more. Finally, one day he will show up where he is supposed to, but by then the schedule will have changed and he won’t be in the right place.
Do not take him shopping with you. I probably don’t even need to explain this one.
Do not take him with you when taking the children to doctor appointments. This will only rob the kids of the doctor’s full attention as their dad steals the scene and unloads all his physical complaints. Because he is like a child in so many ways, he will demand equal attention (but will deny ever having done that, so don't even go there). If you happen to need medical attention yourself, do not expect sympathy and understanding— his concerns will more likely lie with who is going to make dinner if you’re not, or how he is going to pay for the medical expense. Sharing your health concerns is up to you, though he will likely have one bigger or worse than yours anyway.
Teach your kids table manners and other necessary social niceties. This will allow them to see the difference between normal, acceptable social behavior and that which is not. When possible, include your husband under the guise that “its good for the kids”. It is better if you can read out of a book or watch a video on it, otherwise he will take it personally and think you are just trying to pit the kids against him. Remember, he does not perceive intent— he will take anything everyone does—personally, whether intended or not. It sounds egotistical, and in many ways, the “suspected autistic husband” is just that. It is his sphere and we often get sucked into it against our will by his assumptions that everything we do and say are about and because of him.
Next time: Trust your instincts
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