Disclaimer: I was married for 27 years before I finally decided that if I was going to survive, I was going to have to leave. There were many problems that stemmed way back when... but with a household full of kids, and being a perpetual optimist, always hoping things would iron themselves out, but since I was the only one willing to work on my marriage, it never went very far.
I wrote the following series of blog posts 2 years before I left -- knowing something was wrong with my husband, but not being able to put my finger on any one factor. I do not claim total innocence in our divorce -- but I can hold myself accountable, whereas it was something he could not even fathom. Maybe this will help someone going through tough times, maybe it won't, but if one person gains some insight into their own marriage or relationship, then it was worth it, right?
From
April 5, 2008:
What advice would I give? I feel the least qualified to offer advice, but based on 25 years of living with this person, my advice stems only from personal experience.
Be strong. Be prepared to carry the weight of the marriage and everything that comes with it: the daily and household conditions; finances; child rearing; everything—very similar to being single. Traditional husband/wife responsibilities will not apply here. For example, where most husbands traditionally take care of and take pride in the exterior of the home: the yard, patios, barbecue grill, garage, shoveling the driveway—my husband will not even “see” these things. If they are not in front of him, they don’t exist. He will not have any interest in any of these things because they carry no importance or significance to him, and will only do them if he happens to be in the mood, or someone complains.
Because his interests are extremely limited, he may not have any hobbies which means he will usually spend the majority of his time watching TV because it is easier than doing anything else. On the other hand, he may become obsessed with a particular hobby or game and appear not to care about anything else, including taking from the family budget to finance it. He will be oblivious to the household mess around him, and it will never occur to him to help his wife with whatever obvious work still needs to be done. If the wife complains, she’s a nag: if she doesn’t, she must not care about the mess either.
You are going to need to be strong enough to carry the emotional and spiritual needs for the family. The children will come to you because their father will offer no genuine sympathy or the emotional connection they need. He finds it frustrating to put himself “in someone else’s shoes” and has no desire to do so. He has great difficulty with compassion and is unable to share in the emotions or emotional needs of others, yet expects full compassion from others with regard to himself. This is not a choice for him, it is just the way it is.
This also goes for your personal relationship with your spouse. Remember, he can only think of himself: not because he is selfish, but because he is virtually incapable of comprehending any level of deep or shared emotional intimacy—in his world, it just does not occur to him. Mention of it on your part will be insulting to him. He thinks he is perfectly normal and that the rest of the world has problems. Asking for an expression of feeling will frustrate him and result in sulking or pouting. He cannot see outside his little sphere of self. Just be expected to “serve” without emotional commitment, and do not take it personally.
Be prepared to lead a life without an emotional connection to your spouse. It took me a long time to come to terms with this. When you marry someone, you give of yourself and you expect your spouse to do the same. In most marriages, this is what keeps the connection alive. I see him as man built of bricks. At least one of the bricks is missing completely-- there is a hole, yet the structure does not fall down. Other bricks may be missing pieces, or be chipped off here and there, but all in all, you can still see the shape of a man, who acts and talks and walks like one (he cannot see himself, so he is unaware that anything is missing). It's just that certain pieces or sections will be gone, and so I cannot expect more than he can give.
There will be kindness, but there will never be what feels like love, as you expect it. He is unable to truly be “in love” because the part of his psyche that allows for that is either gone or not functioning. How can he give something he doesn’t have to give? It just will not be there. The acts of kindness are sometimes enough to get through the lonely times, but be prepared to be closer to your kids or other people than you will probably ever be to your spouse. Nobody is allowed to get that close.
Next time: Be Smart.
What advice would I give? I feel the least qualified to offer advice, but based on 25 years of living with this person, my advice stems only from personal experience.
Be strong. Be prepared to carry the weight of the marriage and everything that comes with it: the daily and household conditions; finances; child rearing; everything—very similar to being single. Traditional husband/wife responsibilities will not apply here. For example, where most husbands traditionally take care of and take pride in the exterior of the home: the yard, patios, barbecue grill, garage, shoveling the driveway—my husband will not even “see” these things. If they are not in front of him, they don’t exist. He will not have any interest in any of these things because they carry no importance or significance to him, and will only do them if he happens to be in the mood, or someone complains.
Because his interests are extremely limited, he may not have any hobbies which means he will usually spend the majority of his time watching TV because it is easier than doing anything else. On the other hand, he may become obsessed with a particular hobby or game and appear not to care about anything else, including taking from the family budget to finance it. He will be oblivious to the household mess around him, and it will never occur to him to help his wife with whatever obvious work still needs to be done. If the wife complains, she’s a nag: if she doesn’t, she must not care about the mess either.
You are going to need to be strong enough to carry the emotional and spiritual needs for the family. The children will come to you because their father will offer no genuine sympathy or the emotional connection they need. He finds it frustrating to put himself “in someone else’s shoes” and has no desire to do so. He has great difficulty with compassion and is unable to share in the emotions or emotional needs of others, yet expects full compassion from others with regard to himself. This is not a choice for him, it is just the way it is.
This also goes for your personal relationship with your spouse. Remember, he can only think of himself: not because he is selfish, but because he is virtually incapable of comprehending any level of deep or shared emotional intimacy—in his world, it just does not occur to him. Mention of it on your part will be insulting to him. He thinks he is perfectly normal and that the rest of the world has problems. Asking for an expression of feeling will frustrate him and result in sulking or pouting. He cannot see outside his little sphere of self. Just be expected to “serve” without emotional commitment, and do not take it personally.
Be prepared to lead a life without an emotional connection to your spouse. It took me a long time to come to terms with this. When you marry someone, you give of yourself and you expect your spouse to do the same. In most marriages, this is what keeps the connection alive. I see him as man built of bricks. At least one of the bricks is missing completely-- there is a hole, yet the structure does not fall down. Other bricks may be missing pieces, or be chipped off here and there, but all in all, you can still see the shape of a man, who acts and talks and walks like one (he cannot see himself, so he is unaware that anything is missing). It's just that certain pieces or sections will be gone, and so I cannot expect more than he can give.
There will be kindness, but there will never be what feels like love, as you expect it. He is unable to truly be “in love” because the part of his psyche that allows for that is either gone or not functioning. How can he give something he doesn’t have to give? It just will not be there. The acts of kindness are sometimes enough to get through the lonely times, but be prepared to be closer to your kids or other people than you will probably ever be to your spouse. Nobody is allowed to get that close.
Next time: Be Smart.
No comments:
Post a Comment