Disclaimer: I was married for 27 years before I finally decided that if I was going to survive, I was going to have to leave. There were many problems that stemmed way back when... but with a household full of kids, and being a perpetual optimist, always hoping things would iron themselves out, but since I was the only one willing to work on my marriage, it never went very far.
I wrote the following series of blog posts 2 years before I left -- knowing something was wrong with my husband, but not being able to put my finger on any one factor. I do not claim total innocence in our divorce -- but I can hold myself accountable, whereas it was something he could not even fathom. Maybe this will help someone going through tough times, maybe it won't, but if one person gains some insight into their own marriage or relationship, then it was worth it, right?
From April 7, 2008:
The Sphere: Explained
When I married my husband, I had no way of knowing that he existed in a world considerably different from my own. Presently, I envision a large sphere (which I’ve mentioned before), like those that a person can actually climb inside and then throw themselves down steep terrain as they bounce wildly for the thrill, protected in this oversized plastic bubble. I see my husband inside a sphere, of which he is the center. Inside that sphere is every aspect of him and his personality. He cannot separate himself from anything in his bubble, his world—he cannot compartmentalize in any way, or draw a line between his personal life and business, for example. If he is faced with a business decision, that decision is affected by everything in that sphere. He is completely unable to separate himself from one aspect of his life to the other. So in hiring him, you get the entire package, which more than likely, you will deal with while he is painting for you. You will hear everything about him if you let him, including his life story all the way up to the present.
He just can’t draw the line between appropriate and distant courtesy (or professionalism) and self. For example: if you want to hire him/work for him, you get the whole package— personal baggage and all. You don’t just get a painter or a boss— you get all of it. This causes him to lose credibility with most professionals. He does not understand the importance or need of a professional “self” when in the work field.
Remember, he is the center of his sphere and in his world, everybody has their own sphere. He has no desire to know what is inside of your sphere, but he sure wants you to know about his own! For several years I thought his problem was narcissism. After learning about autism, I realized he can’t get close to anyone else because it would cause everything in his sphere to short-circuit. It is not intentional, and in some ways this can be overcome.
Depending on how your spouse was raised will determine how easily this can be overcome. Environment makes a big difference in how someone with autism will be as an adult. If he is raised with great love and diligent guidance, the difficulties that come along with it are much easier to manage, and easier for the autistic to deal with. If he is raised in ignorance, left to fend for himself, or in a dysfunctional family, the autistic child will not learn how to cope, how to adapt, or even what the social norms are. He cannot deal with something he is unaware of, and forcing him to look inward causes him to shut down. This is his world we are talking about, not just a part of it. It’s all or nothing.
One must be raised to be aware of what is socially acceptable and what is not. I think this is critical.
Till next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment