From April 7, 2008:
I want to re-emphasize that my writing about my husband is not an attempt to criticize or humiliate him or anyone else. I'm sure there may be people out there who would say "how can she write these things about her husband?" or "how would she feel if someone was writing about her?"
As I have said before, my husband is a good man. People like him. I realize that some of the things I have written paint a negative portrait of my marriage and my husband. Yes, there have been some very bad times in my marriage. Yes, there have been physical confrontations; there have been times when I was extremely near to packing myself and the kids up and heading out the door. But it is not easy to just give up on so many years together, literally through thick and thin. During some times, the only reason we stayed together was because we couldn't afford the separation.
But things are getting better now-- I have hope that this last mountain we have been climbing is the last and that we can now see what is below-- there are more mountains and hills but they are getting smaller and soon the valleys will be visible again and they will beautiful and green, and covered with flowers. Some day, we will be looking out at that meadow from our back porch. I will be writing, and he will be sculpting, and our children will be visiting us with their children. It will be peace.
You see, part of my writing has been in coming to terms with things myself. Yes, there are times when I cannot communicate with my husband on the level I wish I could. Yes, there are times I am saddened by his lack of interest in me as a person (what do I like? what kind of person am I? what is my favorite color? why am I going to school? how am I doing in school?) even if it is not intentional-- but at the same time, that is my ego talking. If it is true that he really can't function in the ways that I have discussed (to myself through writing) then it is something I just have to accept.
He may be quiet and sullen every day. He may close his eyes to the world around him while my eyes are always open and ready to take in the excitement of life. He may not always know how to use appropriate behavior in certain situations. But he also has his periods of gentleness, kindness, and playfulness. And sometimes he can even be humble and meek-- this is the quality that drew me to him in the first place.
My advice to others who communicate with him for any reason, be sure someone else is nearby (one of the older children or myself) so we can remember whatever it is he is committing himself (or one of us) to, and please keep an open mind.
As I mentioned in one of my "discovery" blogs (as I call them), he appears to most people as perfectly normal-- he is a man built of bricks-- talks, walks, and acts like a man. Only those who are closest to him are aware of the chips, cracks, and missing pieces. He will deny it and cover them up, but they are there. You may say "that is no different from the rest of us", right? To an extent...
I want to re-emphasize that my writing about my husband is not an attempt to criticize or humiliate him or anyone else. I'm sure there may be people out there who would say "how can she write these things about her husband?" or "how would she feel if someone was writing about her?"
As I have said before, my husband is a good man. People like him. I realize that some of the things I have written paint a negative portrait of my marriage and my husband. Yes, there have been some very bad times in my marriage. Yes, there have been physical confrontations; there have been times when I was extremely near to packing myself and the kids up and heading out the door. But it is not easy to just give up on so many years together, literally through thick and thin. During some times, the only reason we stayed together was because we couldn't afford the separation.
But things are getting better now-- I have hope that this last mountain we have been climbing is the last and that we can now see what is below-- there are more mountains and hills but they are getting smaller and soon the valleys will be visible again and they will beautiful and green, and covered with flowers. Some day, we will be looking out at that meadow from our back porch. I will be writing, and he will be sculpting, and our children will be visiting us with their children. It will be peace.
You see, part of my writing has been in coming to terms with things myself. Yes, there are times when I cannot communicate with my husband on the level I wish I could. Yes, there are times I am saddened by his lack of interest in me as a person (what do I like? what kind of person am I? what is my favorite color? why am I going to school? how am I doing in school?) even if it is not intentional-- but at the same time, that is my ego talking. If it is true that he really can't function in the ways that I have discussed (to myself through writing) then it is something I just have to accept.
He may be quiet and sullen every day. He may close his eyes to the world around him while my eyes are always open and ready to take in the excitement of life. He may not always know how to use appropriate behavior in certain situations. But he also has his periods of gentleness, kindness, and playfulness. And sometimes he can even be humble and meek-- this is the quality that drew me to him in the first place.
My advice to others who communicate with him for any reason, be sure someone else is nearby (one of the older children or myself) so we can remember whatever it is he is committing himself (or one of us) to, and please keep an open mind.
As I mentioned in one of my "discovery" blogs (as I call them), he appears to most people as perfectly normal-- he is a man built of bricks-- talks, walks, and acts like a man. Only those who are closest to him are aware of the chips, cracks, and missing pieces. He will deny it and cover them up, but they are there. You may say "that is no different from the rest of us", right? To an extent...
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