A Few Relationship Tips, From a Single Mother (January 2011)

From January 31, 2011

In spite of how dour things may have been during these past few months, I still consider myself incredibly lucky.

I had planned to move to the Seattle area to go to school, but my parents talked me in to coming to Whidbey Island so I could attend Skagit Valley College for the same nursing program instead.  They were instrumental in finding me a house and setting me up with people at church.  Things would have been much more difficult for me to handle this in the Seattle area all the way from Bozeman without that kind of help.

Additionally, I had the support of old high school friend, Rob, who has helped me more than any other single person since I moved to this island.  Without complaint, he has offered moral support, physical support (gotta have a man around the house!), and financial support when needed.  And his only complaint is my resistance to allowing him to help more.

Things could have gone bad very quickly for me, but Rob has been by my side through everything.  He is a very special person and I am forever grateful.

On the other hand, I am only all too aware of how trying I can be to live with -- or even to simply be involved with... 

I know that I demand a lot:
     Loyalty
     Honesty
     Commitment
     Patience
     Genuine care and concern
     Respect, not just me but for my children as well
     Compassion, particularly when I am frightened
     Sympathy when I have bad days
     A sense of humor is a must!
     Willingness to tackle whatever comes my way
     And more Patience
    
Putting up with me requires monumental patience.  If patience is not your thing, walk the other way and do it soon.  I guarantee that I will try your patience and test your limits... not because I want to, but because when my life is in this much turmoil, that is the best thing that you can do for me. 

So here is some advice:

• When I throw fiery darts your way, let them bounce off of you because they are not meant to penetrate your armor. 
• When you think I want to be left alone, don't let me go.
• If I walk away from you, walk after me because I need someone rational to keep me from being irrational.
• When you think I am quiet, talk to me and find out why, because I generally will not advertise my pain or my problems.
• Dispense hugs freely.  I need the connection of being held.  I can never have too many hugs.
• Don't wait for me to ask you to do something.  If you see something that needs to be done, jump in and lend a hand.
• Communicate with me.  If something I do perplexes you, tell me and I will do my best to sort it out.
• Never assume that I know what is going on in your head.  I am not a mind-reader, and need to know how you feel about things.
• Be upfront and honest with me.  I don't beat around the bush and don't expect you to, either.
• Tell me that you love me.  I have gone most of my life without hearing this.  I can never hear it enough.

I am lucky that Rob already fits right in with most of what I have just listed -- it is just the way he is -- and I couldn't ask for anything more than what he already does for my soul and my physical well-being.  I like to think of him as my soul-mate, because his personality fits so well with mine, and I waited so long to finally find him.

Sometimes I think of myself in mideival times-- stranded alone in a thick forest, no where to turn and no one to turn to.  Suddenly, someone comes swooping out of nowhere on his horse, scoops me up and carries me away to a safe haven.  Rob is my knight in shining armor, who has literally swept me off my feet. 

I am forever indebted to Sir Robert, the gallant and brave.
 

My Life: A Future Request (January 2011)

From January 30, 2011

What do I want in life? 

I want to be happy in all aspects of my life:  love; family; work; church. 

So here it is, not in any particular order: 

I want to feel like I can support my family, even if it is a meager paycheck.

I want to feel completely loved for the person I truly am.

I want to be in love for the rest of my life and beyond.

I want to have faith and trust in those I care about the most.

I want the child support order to be finalized.

I want the divorce to be final so that I can move freely on with my life.

I want my son to want me in his life again.

I want to be healthy and strong and free from continual stress.

I want to go for walks in the warmth of the sunshine.

I want to be happy.

Though I am sure I will think of more things as soon as I save this entry and post it to the internet, this is just a start.... a running list that maybe someday will become a reality.

Cardiac Scares (January 2011)

From January 27, 2011

I decided to go off the Ambien after my heart decided it was going to palpitate half the day the other day.  Just because it has been my experience in the past that most medications seem to have a direct effect on my heart after a few days.  

But also a couple days ago, I had to start taking a drug called Nitrofur for the UTI/Kidney infection.  I  went about my day yesterday and my heart didn't complain until I began to make dinner.  Since then, it has made a lot of noise again. 

I am hoping it is just a lingering affect from the Ambien and that it goes away. 

On the other hand, my heart was making a little bit of noise more frequently than usual over the past couple of weeks.  So now I don't know what to believe is the cause.  It could even be the UTI/Kidney infection since most infections seem to cause my heart to become inflamed.  Maybe it is time to go back on the naproxen therapy. 

Regardless of the cause, it frightens me.

Pain (January 2011)

From January 24, 2011

Kate does not feel good -- her occasional nausea has been brought about by an apparent ongoing kidney infection -- she needs medication to treat the infection but has severe doubts and fears when it comes to taking any drugs.  She has had so many nightmare problems with various antibiotics and other drugs over the past year that she becomes paranoid any time a new drug is thrown her way.

Kate is constantly riding an emotional roller-coaster because she tries to force herself to feel happy, and looks like she is happy (pseudo-happiness) and yet knows the reality that lies behind every action of every single minute, every single day.... and that is the fact that she feels she is destroying those precious children that she brought into the world, and so carefully and painstakingly nurtured every day of their lives.

There is nothing more contrary and emotionally conflicting than knowing that she is the cause of so much unhappiness, and it is not likely to get any better any time within the next few years -- years that will be the crucial, final childhood years for all of her kids.  What a sad way to end their childhood.

And she feels she has done this to them.  She feels she does not deserve to be a mom.

Sleep, Where Are You? (January 2011)

From January 23, 2011

For the first time in a long time, my whole household went to bed early last night: 8:30.  By 9, the entire house was dark and quiet.   

Having recently been prescribed the smallest dose possible for Ambien to help me sleep, I considered taking it but didn't really want to take it without someone close by if something should go wrong -- considering my history with sedatives and weird things that happen to my cardiac and respiratory systems, and considering this island and limited quality medical services.  

Finally, at about 10 pm I decided to take the full dose.  I remember getting sleepy and started to take my socks off because my feet were warm in bed.  I mention that, because when I woke up at 1 am, I still had one sock on and thought that was kind of funny.  Not so funny was the fact that I was wide awake and have been since that time.   

So that was the effect of a full dose (albeit a small one) of Ambien for the first time.... 3 hours sleep -- about the same as usual on an average basis.  The first doses are not the ones that bother me so much as the increase in dosages.  That is when things get scary.  The dose can be increased, but I won't do that without professional advice.  

Still looking for sleep...

LATER:

Doubts

As far as relationships go, I still have my reservations.  I love being around Rob as much as I possibly can, and I know he cares about me.  But in the long run, I don't know if we will ever be able to make it work.

I think my family is too big when it comes to being involved with anyone.  My family is noisy, messy, and expensive. 

I am not working, or going to school.  These are major barriers when it comes to being closely involved with someone, particularly when looking ahead at the future. 

Rob is clearly unhappy with his work, yet doesn't seem to want to work anywhere else.  The longer he waits, the more difficult it will be because he will have to get in on an entry-level salary for any new career.  And it is the same for me.  At 50, most nurses are winding down their careers, and I will just beginning.  Who will want to hire me?  And at 50, I don't really want to go to school again.  I am tired of school.  Even if I get my RN, the best I may hope for may end up being something like a school nurse, which pays at the very bottom of the pay scale.... a waste of an education. 

So I am having many doubts about many things: relationships, work, school. 

More and more I am thinking I am going to end up with a meaningless job (just like Rob thinks he has), for minimal pay.  And working for the rest of my life, unhappy and unfulfilled.  What is bringing this pessimistic attitude out in me?  Doubt, fear, uncertainty?  Or a dose of cold-hearted reality?