"No Subject" (December 2010)

From December 24, 2010

I have "no subject" because I don't want to depress everybody.  It is why I haven't been posting any entries recently. 

I don't want Christmas to come, but it is going to come whether I want it to or not.  I have to do this holiday all by myself for the first time.  It is something I am dreading more than anything.... not that I have to do it completely by myself, but because this is a holiday completely manufactured by myself with little or not surprises in store.  I guess I should stop feeling sorry for myself and for the kids and just move on.... which is what I will end up doing anyway... but not without complaining to myself first.

Just need to get this off my chest: I am missing my son Alex, who continues to not take my phone calls and to ignore messages I send to him.  He ignores my birthday, yet wishes his sister a happy birthday days later.  That is not really a complaint, because I would rather he do that than ignore her as well.  But as a mom, I notice these things.  And still I continue to keep trying with him, and I don't know why.

I am missing the simplicity of Christmas.  I hate having to worry about every single penny and I hate having to ask for help and I hate the fact that Rob has very nearly been the sole supporter of my family.  I will never ask him for help and yet he continues to offer help.  Sometimes, when I feel my back is pushed against the wall and I have no where else to go, I accept his help.  But it hurts that I have to lean on him so much when I know there is no way I can ever repay him.

He is someone who I care for very much and yet my head keeps telling me to back off, and I don't know why.  My head tells me that I am just going to hurt more in the long run, and that next time I won't survive.  But my heart tells me that I have never experienced feelings like this before and that I am being stupid to think that he has any other motives than the purest intent... which my head also believes, but doesn't want to believe.  I am just a very messed up person and worry that I will never be able to have a lasting relationship with anyone because I drive people away...

...after all, driving people away seems to be what I do best...