From January 18, 2011
Kate is feeling like she is beginning to find old bits and pieces of herself
that she lost somewhere between October 2009 and December 2010.
The person she used to be:
The person she used to be:
- Always busy: taking care of family, school, business, and her degree.
- Realistic: She knew her limits and if there wasn't anything she couldn't do about it, she didn't worry about it.
- Tenacious: When something needed to be done, she took it on and got it done.
- Stubborn: She didn't give up until it was resolved, she didn't care what others thought, and didn't need anyone else to make her happy.
- Happy: She was happy with her life when it came to kids and keeping it all together.
And then one day, her heart didn't want to
keep up with it all anymore. She became very sick and it sent her
spiraling. This wasn't just any ordinary virus, but a mysterious illness
that robbed her of her physical strength and energy. Her heart couldn't
beat strong enough to keep her going. The doctors told her that her heart
was failing.
For several months there was no improvement and no answers. So in typical Katie-fashion, she took her health into her own hands and started her own physical therapy to get her heart back into shape, all the while under careful doctor supervision. She also radically changed her diet. She stopped eating all gluten products, fried foods, bad fats, processed foods, sugar, and caffeine. She drank only water -- 10 to 12 glasses every single day.
She still had her ups and downs over the next several months, but her heart became stronger a little at a time. She strengthened her heart, her muscles, and her bones six days a week. It became her main priority. While she strengthened her body, her spirit was strengthened by a developing and deep friendship with a former high school classmate, who encouraged to achieve her goals.
But now she had FEAR introduced into her life: Fear of what would happen to her kids if something happened to her; Fear that something worse was on the horizon; Fear that she may never recover; Fear that the worst of it could return at any moment; Fear that the doctors would never find any answers and so it could never be dealt with and properly treated to recovery or remission.
Kate had never really been a fearful person before, but somehow little bits of Kate got lost somewhere in the shuffle. So many things have happened to her since August 2010, she cannot even fathom how she managed to survive it all.
The person Kate is now:
For several months there was no improvement and no answers. So in typical Katie-fashion, she took her health into her own hands and started her own physical therapy to get her heart back into shape, all the while under careful doctor supervision. She also radically changed her diet. She stopped eating all gluten products, fried foods, bad fats, processed foods, sugar, and caffeine. She drank only water -- 10 to 12 glasses every single day.
She still had her ups and downs over the next several months, but her heart became stronger a little at a time. She strengthened her heart, her muscles, and her bones six days a week. It became her main priority. While she strengthened her body, her spirit was strengthened by a developing and deep friendship with a former high school classmate, who encouraged to achieve her goals.
But now she had FEAR introduced into her life: Fear of what would happen to her kids if something happened to her; Fear that something worse was on the horizon; Fear that she may never recover; Fear that the worst of it could return at any moment; Fear that the doctors would never find any answers and so it could never be dealt with and properly treated to recovery or remission.
Kate had never really been a fearful person before, but somehow little bits of Kate got lost somewhere in the shuffle. So many things have happened to her since August 2010, she cannot even fathom how she managed to survive it all.
The person Kate is now:
- Not so Busy: Though she is still taking care of family, she is feels she is lacking compared to where she was previously. Her kids are no longer in band, are not dancing, and Kate knows they won't complain about it for fear of hurting her. She found pieces of herself returning when the girls were dancing in Anacortes, but she lost it when she couldn't pay for it.
- Realistic: She knows her limits and worries about how she will provide for her family.
- Tenacious: When something needs to be done, she still does it, but takes frequent rests.
- Stubborn: She still doesn't give up easily, still doesn't care what others think, but is much more cynical about things.
- Not so Happy: She has a very hard time being consistently happy because she has a low opinion of herself and her ability to provide for her family.
One day,
things will fall into place, and Katie believes this. Little bits
and pieces of the old Kate keep creeping their way back into her life -- some
for good, and some for bad. She needs to continue finding
herself a little at a time.
Are you in there somewhere?
Are you in there somewhere?
Later:
More thoughts: Sometimes I think I would be better off by myself during
this time of transition from married to single.... relationships can complicate
things. And yet
at the same time, I love spending time with him.
Maybe we need to just be Friends -- And yet he has done so much for me, I know that I depend on him an awful lot -- for moral support, for
friendship, for love -- and perhaps I need to back down on that. I don't
know that I offer him any of that kind of support.
Do I give you moral support, Rob? Friendship? Love? Do you
have needs that are going unmet because of me?
Can I refrain from leaning on him for so much moral
support? Perhaps I should give it a try. ...Sleep on it.
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