From November 17, 2010
For days I have been trying to get Ellie's dad to send some
money for her birthday or help out in some other capacity, but to no
avail. He seems determined to make his point to Ellie: that I am the
reason for all the pain and suffering. Be that as it may, and as painful
as it is for me, it hurts the kids who are already so torn between their parents
-- and especially Ellie who is the greatest victim in all of this.
Tonight I became so emotional because I had to apologize to Ellie for letting
her down and not being able to provide a birthday for her. And if that
wasn't bad enough, I had to tell my kids not to expect anything for the
holidays. This rips me apart internally so much that there are no words
to adequately describe the torture of my soul.
At the same time, there is so much anger and resentment building up against him for his cold and indifferent attitude that I don't quite know how to handle it. I am usually a forgiving person, but I have never understood his bizarre and twisted rationalization, particularly when it involves innocent people, such as my kids. I am at a loss for how to deal with this kind of emotion.
I know the feeling of despair, but never at such a deep level that involves my kids.... it is a level of darkness I have never had to experience before.... it is a new bottom for me... sinking to a level for which I have never been before.
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