From November 4, 2010
I have been so lucky the past few days with the
weather-- it has been an absolutely gorgeous fall, with sun on the water, and
warm breezes. I have taken walks along the beach these past couple of
days and the scenery around me has been breathtaking.
I am reminded of a time not so long ago when I was a bit healthier and walking 4 to 5 miles a day in addition to strength-training, and in addition to hiking whenever possible in the beautiful mountains of Montana in the hot summer sun. That was a time when I felt truly in control of my health for the first time since the previous October when the ER became routine, the hospital became my home away from home, and test after test after test became the new normal.
I miss those days of feeling healthy: the days of feeling like the worst was behind me and I was finally healing from whatever it was that had attacked my system in the first place. Last night was a bad night for me. My heart was racing one minute and barely beating the next. Arrythmias are something that have always scared the crap out of me. I never know what the end result is going to be. But I continually try to tell myself that it is going to be fine and I will wake up in the morning no worse for the wear. And yet the back of my mind me keeps telling me that there is a reason for all of this and I doubt stress is the only factor.
So what can I do to regain my health? I need to start over with the treadmill on a regular basis, just like I did six days a week for the first 8 full months of this year. I need to get strong again, and I need to get over health-related anxiety. Every time my heart goes whacky or gets fluttery, or my veins hurt in my neck, I begin to worry and I no longer know if it is real or anxiety-related.
I also want to stop the clonazepam, which has been extremely difficult to break away from. It is the longest time I have ever taken any kind of medication on a regular basis. Time to try weaning myself off of it again.
I want my health back. I want to work. I want my life to be back on track.
I am reminded of a time not so long ago when I was a bit healthier and walking 4 to 5 miles a day in addition to strength-training, and in addition to hiking whenever possible in the beautiful mountains of Montana in the hot summer sun. That was a time when I felt truly in control of my health for the first time since the previous October when the ER became routine, the hospital became my home away from home, and test after test after test became the new normal.
I miss those days of feeling healthy: the days of feeling like the worst was behind me and I was finally healing from whatever it was that had attacked my system in the first place. Last night was a bad night for me. My heart was racing one minute and barely beating the next. Arrythmias are something that have always scared the crap out of me. I never know what the end result is going to be. But I continually try to tell myself that it is going to be fine and I will wake up in the morning no worse for the wear. And yet the back of my mind me keeps telling me that there is a reason for all of this and I doubt stress is the only factor.
So what can I do to regain my health? I need to start over with the treadmill on a regular basis, just like I did six days a week for the first 8 full months of this year. I need to get strong again, and I need to get over health-related anxiety. Every time my heart goes whacky or gets fluttery, or my veins hurt in my neck, I begin to worry and I no longer know if it is real or anxiety-related.
I also want to stop the clonazepam, which has been extremely difficult to break away from. It is the longest time I have ever taken any kind of medication on a regular basis. Time to try weaning myself off of it again.
I want my health back. I want to work. I want my life to be back on track.
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| Me with Ellie, on one of our hikes |
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