Niceness makes me nervous. Why?
I guess it makes me nervous because in part, I don't feel worthy
of it, and in part I expect that it can't last and that sooner or
later it is going to be something else that I have to get over in order to
survive.
I have a hard time completely trusting
anybody. I have been let down so many times in my life by so many people,
it has become second nature to mistrust others, no matter how genuine they may
seem... No matter how hard I try to be completely trusting, my head interferes
and tells me that I should not let my guard down because it just isn't real.
I think this also plays a part in my level of happiness. I
have a hard time letting myself feel genuine happiness because I am so afraid
it is going to be short-lived and then I will be more hurt and empty than
before. It has always been safer to be emotionally unattached to anyone
because in the long-run, I cannot be hurt.
I believe we are all entitled to some happiness. I believe it is God's
plan for us to be happy: it is in the big picture. But when you've
led a life like mine, you tend to believe you are not worthy of that
happiness. You have it pounded into your soul for years that you are not
deserving of the kindness and generosity of others... and it is nearly
impossible to erase.
Perhaps in time, niceness won't make me so nervous. We will have to see.
No comments:
Post a Comment