Bad Day... (January 2011)

From January 20, 2011

Today was not a good day for me.  I had to call Ed and ask for child support to be deposited into my account because he is past-due.  That conversation didn't go very well and he hung up on me -- again.   

The day seemed to go from bad to worse.... Rob met me at the city beach but he seemed distant and like he didn't want to be bothered with whatever was getting my goat this time.  We were sitting in my minivan and I left to go outside and walk on the pier for about 5 minutes.  I came back into the van and he wasn't there!  He was in his car and was driving off.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing!! 

So I called him and asked why he was leaving me and he said I was the one that left.  What the heck!!  Like a sucker, I asked him to come back and he did.  I still can't understand why he left.  I asked him why he didn't come out there with me on the dock and he said because it was cold and wet..... to myself, being an emotional woman, I thought "OK, so I'm not important enough for him to get cold and wet..."  Regardless, I felt it was an extremely insensitive thing for him to do. 

He came back and took me to the Navy Exchange to look for a power cord for my laptop because my cord had a short in it and it finally died, making it impossible for me to charge the battery and it was very nearly dead.  We then went to Wal-Mart where we finally found one.  At this point, still having been freaked out by the fact that he drove off and left me at the beach, I didn't want him to buy me anything at all.  In my mind, I was thinking "No more!"  I didn't want any more obligated ties to Rob if this was a preview of how I will be treated in the future when I am under stress or having a bad day.  But I think he felt bad for leaving me and insisted on buying it anyway. 

Incidentally, both my keys and my phone were in the van.  Had I stayed outside and let him drive off, the van would have automatically locked, and I would have been without phone and keys.  I would have had to walk home in the rain and get the spare van key (or wait for Shelby to get home and have her take me there). 

Rob told me he was going to come back, but there is a problem with that.  I would have had no way of knowing that he intended to come back (I thought he would just go home) and I would have started walking home.... and he would have had no way of knowing that I started walking home because the van would still have been at the beach.  He would have assumed I was at the beach somewhere.  He may have even tried to text me or call me, but I wouldn't have answered because my phone would still be in the car.

LATER:

Rob told me that I am the first person he thinks of when he wakes up and the last person he thinks of when he goes to sleep. I know he cares deeply about me. But he still doesn't understand why leaving me at the beach bothers me. 

There is a side of Rob that is very cold and insensitive and I think it is just because he doesn't know how to deal with women. I told him I am not the kind of person he needs and he asked me what I thought he needed. I told him he needed someone who had their act together, someone in control of their life, and that isn't me right now. 

I asked him what he wanted to see in me. He told me he wanted to see this divorce behind me. I told him to tell me something that is in my control. He told me that he didn't understand why I seemed so depressed during the week and never on the weekends when we are together. I don't really have an answer for that other than: he gives me strength, he makes me happy, makes me feel better. But in reality I'm thinking to myself that is not always the case. I was just fine yesterday when he came over. 

I'm just not going to share anything depressing with him anymore. No more bad news, no more down side of my life. But then I stop being honest. I lie to cover up the down side of my life. Let's see how that goes.

STILL LATER:

When talking to him on the phone tonight, I asked him if he saw me walk out to the dock in front of the van. He said he didn't because the windows were all fogged up (lie). 

I asked him if he saw me when he got out of the van. He said no because he didn't see over the big ole' van. I thought to myself "BS, He is taller than the van." (another lie) 

I asked him if he saw me get back in the van when he was in his car. He said no, he just happened to be plugging in his cell phone.

So all this time, he never saw me once -- either on the dock in front of the van, or coming back to the van while he was in his car. 

I told him "Liar" and he said no, he didn't see me. 

In my mind, there is only one reason why he left: he didn't really want to be there with me in the first place.

LATER STILL:

So I have come to the conclusion that I need to change my attitude when I am around Rob during the week.  The only way I can do this is to not talk about the things that make me upset or sad, or talk about the parts of my life that might be construed as such.  Maybe if I put on an outward smile (pseudo-happiness), the inward self won't feel so sad.  Maybe I can trick both of us into thinking that things are just great in my life.  ...Okay, there was a little sarcasm in that last sentence.  All I know is that Rob wants to be a part of my life, but he doesn't necessarily want to hear about the reality of my life.  Unfortunately, for the time being anyway, this is my life.  

 One thing is for certain.  I am really feeling like I am testing Rob's limits and that things have the potential to go downhill very quickly from here.     

I think he needs time to figure out if I am truly what he wants or not.  He is too nice to tell me otherwise.   I have told him many times that I come with issues, problems, and complications.  Leaving Rob alone would tear me to pieces.  Yet, at the same time, I think it is what he really wants and needs. 

We may want to be together, but maybe we are not ready to be together.