Nothing (January 2011)

From January 17, 2011

After a couple hours of unpacking in what used to be a garage, my heart was making all kinds of noise, and so I decided to take a break from it.  My heart is still not terribly happy with me but I hope it will feel better when I lay down to rest tonight. 

I have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow at 2:15 with a Nurse Practitioner to establish care and to talk about some issues I have had.  I might bring up the heart thing but am pretty certain nothing would come of it other than a request for my records in Bozeman.  Once they see all the antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications I was on, they will immediately assume the same and their perception of me will be forever biased.  In some ways, I don't even want to tell them about the entire health-year of 2010 and just start over-- see what they say.  They want me to arrive at 1:45 to fill out new-patient paperwork. 

At this point in my world, I am tired of worrying about everything.  It has been three months since I left Bozeman, and I am tired of wondering why Ed has money to buy things for the kids but no money to pay child support or for dance classes which they are afraid to tell him they truly want.  Ellie announced last night at the dinner table that she wants to be a famous dancer by the time she is 13.  I had to inwardly cringe to myself because she should be halfway through her first year of pointe by now and she hasn't even really started.  Anna's pointe shoes no longer fit her and Rebekah doesn't even have any pointe shoes she can use anymore.  It kills me to think about it. 

I feel so claustrophobic here.  I need to get off the island some time soon and I don't even have the gas to do it. 

I am sad, I am tired, I am depressed.  I need a walk in some warm air and sunshine -- whether it be mountain pass or sandy beach...

Everybody needs a ferry ride!