Tiredness (January 2011)

From January 9, 2011

Having spent nearly 2 decades living in Montana, I am used to waking up to snow.
 

Waking up to the cold is something I am still getting used to... but is something I dislike very much.
Waking up to the cold and fighting to keep warm day in and day out is just another constant reminder of how little I am able to provide for my family.  It depresses me every single hour.  I sometimes leave home because I don't want to be reminded of just how bad things are, even though my kids don't really outwardly blame me for it.  

 
What kind of person lets their kids live in the freezing cold?  I feel bad for all the people who are trying to help us keep warm with firewood and whatever else we need, and yet the fireplace is almost completely useless when it comes to being used as our sole source of heat.  I am very close to giving up completely on the fireplace because I am so tired of wasting everybody's money and efforts to keep us warm.  It is a losing battle and I don't want to fight it anymore.  I would rather live in the cold without heat.
 
I cannot express enough how much I hate being cold and how bad I feel that my kids are also so cold.

I used to be a strong person and always hopeful but I am quickly losing hope. I want to say that it won't last -- things will get better, this is just a hard time, a period of adjustment for all of us.  But the obstacles seem so large and the current outlook so bleak, it is difficult to muster any optimism right now.

Take a big breath, and move on.