Fear (November 2010)

From November 10, 2010
 

They say animals can sense fear.  If that is true, every animal on this island will know my state of panic.  That's right -- the person everybody thought was made of steel is so much more fragile than anyone knew.  Gotta pay rent tomorrow and I don't even have enough to pay $350 of the deposit, let alone the rent.  This is totally, completely, wildly, crazy insane... gotta get some air in my lungs.

I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs...
I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows...
It feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world...

(3 Doors Down: Changes)

I honestly don't know what to do.  I truly thought I would be working by now.  This isn't how it was supposed to turn out.   Nothing has gone how I thought it would go.  I am stuck in a house I knew I wouldn't be able to afford on an island with little to offer for employment. 

I can't stop kicking myself for being so stupid and not listening to myself from the very beginning.  I am such a sucker for wanting to please others -- I allowed myself to be talked into this even though my head was telling me how very un-smart moving into this house would be. 

I feel like a total loser.

Me with my girls and dog in the annual Sweet Pea Parade 2010