Sleep, Where Are You? (January 2011)

From January 23, 2011

For the first time in a long time, my whole household went to bed early last night: 8:30.  By 9, the entire house was dark and quiet.   

Having recently been prescribed the smallest dose possible for Ambien to help me sleep, I considered taking it but didn't really want to take it without someone close by if something should go wrong -- considering my history with sedatives and weird things that happen to my cardiac and respiratory systems, and considering this island and limited quality medical services.  

Finally, at about 10 pm I decided to take the full dose.  I remember getting sleepy and started to take my socks off because my feet were warm in bed.  I mention that, because when I woke up at 1 am, I still had one sock on and thought that was kind of funny.  Not so funny was the fact that I was wide awake and have been since that time.   

So that was the effect of a full dose (albeit a small one) of Ambien for the first time.... 3 hours sleep -- about the same as usual on an average basis.  The first doses are not the ones that bother me so much as the increase in dosages.  That is when things get scary.  The dose can be increased, but I won't do that without professional advice.  

Still looking for sleep...

LATER:

Doubts

As far as relationships go, I still have my reservations.  I love being around Rob as much as I possibly can, and I know he cares about me.  But in the long run, I don't know if we will ever be able to make it work.

I think my family is too big when it comes to being involved with anyone.  My family is noisy, messy, and expensive. 

I am not working, or going to school.  These are major barriers when it comes to being closely involved with someone, particularly when looking ahead at the future. 

Rob is clearly unhappy with his work, yet doesn't seem to want to work anywhere else.  The longer he waits, the more difficult it will be because he will have to get in on an entry-level salary for any new career.  And it is the same for me.  At 50, most nurses are winding down their careers, and I will just beginning.  Who will want to hire me?  And at 50, I don't really want to go to school again.  I am tired of school.  Even if I get my RN, the best I may hope for may end up being something like a school nurse, which pays at the very bottom of the pay scale.... a waste of an education. 

So I am having many doubts about many things: relationships, work, school. 

More and more I am thinking I am going to end up with a meaningless job (just like Rob thinks he has), for minimal pay.  And working for the rest of my life, unhappy and unfulfilled.  What is bringing this pessimistic attitude out in me?  Doubt, fear, uncertainty?  Or a dose of cold-hearted reality?