A Weird Ending to a Weird Day (January 2011)

From January 12, 2011

A weird ending to a weird day.

I was reminded yesterday that it was the anniversary of Dan's death... 9 years ago... something I have pushed to the back of my mind many times.  Having been in contact with the brother he was closest to has been especially difficult.  We have never talked about Dan's death until now.  He has some very poignant memories regarding Dan and I, even things I had forgotten.
 

Truth is, until 9 years ago, I never knew that I meant anything to Dan other than just another girlfriend in the process of his finding a wife.  I knew he cared about me, but I also knew he wanted someone that I was not.
 

Part of a recent message Dan's brother sent me includes this:
"I just want you to know some of the best memories I have of the island involve you and your family. Dan would confide to me that out of all the women he dated, he always said he loved you most, even when he married Sue. He always felt he had blown it with you. I miss those days very much, and yes, I suppose it has a lot to do with how much I miss Dan and how I'd like to talk to him and share what is going on in my life...."

And in another message:
"The devastation that followed in so many lives will never be fully repaired, but it doesn't take away the love and fondness I have for the times I shared with him."

In some ways, these past couple of days have reopened old wounds-- wounds which I had ignored and put behind me.  But with social media, comes all kinds of renewed friendships and then we realize just how small the world really is, and that for some people life has only moved on in incremental steps.  For Dan's family, these wounds can never be healed.
 

I have so many mixed feelings I don't know how to sort them out.  I feel guilt, but it may be completely misplaced.  I feel guilt that I tried to push Dan's suicide to the back of my mind while so many others continue to deal with it every single day.  I feel guilt that I didn't do more when I should have.  I feel guilt that I wasn't there when I should have been.  I feel guilt that I kept in touch with his family over the years when perhaps I shouldn't have.
 

I honestly don't know what is right for me to feel -- or perhaps what is appropriate for me to feel.  These past couple days I have been forced to confront all these feelings and it has made my soul ache for answers.  Answers to why Dan did it (his brother told me "...for reasons known only to him, he felt there was no other alternative") and answers as to why I feel this way.
 

Things happen for weird reasons.  When I was in high school, I had no idea of what love really is, and yet I thought I was in love.  I went out with Dan throughout all my high school years and then some.  We broke up and got back together again more than once... but the end result was the same: eventually we went our separate ways.  And in the end, I have no answers for anything.
 

All I know is what I know now.  My definition of love has changed over the years, and even more recently, since my divorce.  I certainly never figured I could have someone love me like that.  I am talking about the most important person in my life right now: Robert.  I can't imagine life without him.  And the way he makes me feel is what is important to me now, and this is what counts.

Typing away at my blog