Under the Influence (October 2010)

From October 18, 2010

George Washington once said:

“Example, whether it be good or bad, has a powerful influence” (letter written March 5, 1780).

From our closest friends and family members, to people who don’t even know us  – how many lives have we touched? It is impossible to know. If I do something intentionally or not, it likely has an influence upon the life of another.   It happens all the time, like it or not.

Sometimes the choices we make are not good decisions.  We are humans and we make mistakes. But we can always try to be better humans – not tomorrow, or after lunch – but right now. Be the example you would like to have someone else see or hear. You already are a powerful influence. Just remember to be a good one.

Some things you take for advantage until you don't have them any more. 
My current running list of luxuries previously enjoyed in another lifetime include:

·         A laundry basket to transfer wet clothes from the washer to the dryer

·         Bathroom rugs and mats

·         Kitchen rug

·         Trash cans for the bedrooms

·         Laundry hampers for the bedrooms/bathroom

·         A lamp for my night stand

·         Decent bed pillows

·         Awesome bed sheets

·         Large white boards to track the week and for the kids to play with

·         A computer desk so the printer cords will actually reach the desktop and keyboard sitting on the floor.

I hate being depressed.  Time to hit the treadmill.

Marie on our 1997 road trip
to Disneyland and the
Junior America pageant

Where is Happiness? (October 2010)

From October 17, 2010

This is going to be a busy week for me.  My top priority is finding work.

Close behind that priority is continuing to unpack and setting up the computer and printers so that I can get the girls started on some kind of school routine even though their books and papers are not here.  There is some we can do: US History, Spelling, and Algebra.  Those books I have-- but nothing else arrived.  Nor did my childhood artwork or other private things I had in the Bozeman garage.

I love homeschooling the kids.  It is a learning process that we have honed over the years into a good system that works well for all the kids and for me.  I look forward to homeschooling the girls again.  But none of my white boards made it, nor my Monet print my dad gave me from the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art.  It would look nice in this house.

I am so tired of the constant stress associated with this divorce. I am trying to move on with my life, one day at a time.  There are factors that make it tolerable, and there are factors that make it nearly unbearable.  It sometimes seems as if they are pitted against each other: as though I am not allowed to have any happiness in my life.  If Ed is unhappy then it must only be fair that I am also unhappy.

I am not happy about the divorce -- who ever is?  It saddens me and I know how it hurts the kids.  But at the same time, it is necessary and didn't come as a surprise to anybody.  So why can't we be adults about it and do what is best not only for the kids, but for each other's happiness as well.  I really do want Ed to be happy, because when he is happy, the kids will be happy as well.

Why am I not entitled to be happy?  

"Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness." (Motel Komzoil in "The Fiddler On The Roof")

I want to be happy.  Because when I am happy, I am healthier.  When I am healthier, I can do more and do it successfully.  When I am stressed, I become physicially weaker and I become anxious and sad.

I understand the concept of time.  I can be impatient with myself and want everything yesterday. I know I need to pace myself.

Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk

(Aerosmith: "Amazing")

Just when I think I find happiness it slips through my fingers.  Maybe someday happiness will find me.

Living Alone (October 2010)

From October 15, 2010

This weekend marks the first week I have ever lived "alone" in my entire adult life, even though I am not really alone-- I have my five beautiful girls with me.  As soon as I left home as a young adult I was with someone else, and have been for far longer than I ever even lived at home.  This week marks my first week as independent.

What started out as a very stressful week, is smoothing into a week that is more than tolerable.  I blame the good company I keep for lifting my spirits and making this transition go as smoothly as possible.  They are those who are the wind beneath my wings.

I am often completely mystified as to how I ended up being the recipient of so much love and concern for my well-being.  I can't even begin to describe the emotions that are frequently running through my head -- In spite of all the pain I have felt over the years, I still feel incredibly lucky and incredibly blessed, and incredibly loved.  If this is a dream, don't wake me up. 

Me at 2 years

Me, 4th Grade

Me, thanks to Ellie who took this

OK, I think it is time for a new hairstyle... why is it that the only photos that exist of me all have the same style? I wore my hair so many different ways throughout the years-- everything from long to short, curly, braided, straight... oh well.  Don't wake me up anyway.

Almost There (October 2010)

Almost There

From October 14, 2010

It doesn't look like it, but things are getting closer to being unpacked.  I know that I have a long way to go, and I'll get there eventually but it sometimes seems as if nothing is going anywhere, anyway.  One day we will suddenly realize we have stopped unpacking.  Maybe there will still be some straggling boxes that never made it unpacked, or maybe there won't be any left, but one thing is for certain: things will be far more organized than they are now!  I look forward to that day.

Tomorrow morning, Alex and his friend are bringing a van full of some of what was left behind in Bozeman.  He is supposed to arrive around 10 pm.   On Saturday, Shelby's boyfriend of about 6 or 7 years is coming for a visit.  It will be nice to see him again -- it has been a long time!  I think the last we saw him was his trip to Bozeman ... in 2006?

Next week's focus will be getting the kids started with their school work again -- 8:30 every morning, and submit the Intent To Homeschool form to the school district.  It would also be nice to get them started in dance.  And most importantly, get work.

Oct. 13, 2008: mini-snowman
on my back deck

Another Day (October 2010)

From October 13, 2010

Well, another day has gone by and several more boxes have been unpacked and things put away, which is a nice feeling.  There is still a lot that needs to be done and furniture that still needs to be arranged, and curtains or drapes to be hung which we don't have.  No one likes to spend much time in the living room for the lack of window treatments.  They like their privacy and I don't blame them-- its a big window!

Still need to speak to the Oak Harbor public school administration and to the dance studio...  it seems like every time I get one thing crossed off my list there is another item added.  I still need to find work and talk to the Nursing Department at SVC.  

I still need to contact the DSHS to get the kids on Medicaid which is something really low on my list of things I want to do, but have to do.... ranks right up there with getting a root canal.

One step at a time, each and every day...  

With my sister at a family reunion
Anacortes, 2010

Side Note:  Tonight is another NO CLONAZEPAM night for me (every other night for a week) and that usually means tomorrow is not going to be a good day physically or emotionally.... this is the hardest medication of which I have ever had to wean myself off, and there have been many medications over this past year.  It is hard to believe that it will have been a year since the ER merry-go-round began on October 26.... and after all this time, nobody has still figured anything out--- only what it is not, if it is anything at all.  I have had several EKGs, an ECC, a CT scan, a 3-day heart (Holter) monitor, skin biopsies, bone density scans, and every blood test imaginable, among other tests.   And all I ended up with were drugs used to treat anxiety and depression: something totally out of my norm.  Lets hope this chapter is ending and not continuing.

Gratitude (October 2010)

From October 12, 2010

I live for the bright spots.  These are the things that happen during the day that brighten an otherwise gloomy day.  Almost always, they are the direct result of the actions of others. 

I have a deep gratitude for those who go out of their way to make life a little easier for others.  I have always believed that the heart of the human soul is genuinely good, but we seldom get to see it in action.  It seems to be a natural character trait for some people -- they have a unique perspective on humanity and carry a positive outlook on life that radiates from within.  

I have been lucky enough to be the recipient of such generosity, particularly these past few and very difficult months.  I have been given many bright spots: a smile, kind words, a hug, a box of food, or even the benefit of the doubt where doubt weighed heaviest.  When I have been down in spirit, these bright spots are all I have been able to hold on to -- and they are what get me through the toughest days.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  Among the bad, we must see the good, or we will lose our perspective and go down with the defeated. It is integral to human nature to want to do good and to see the good in others.

I am grateful for those who have given me bright spots in my life -- those who make the day worth the effort:  my kids, my friends, my family -- you are in my heart forever.

Now for the funny moments of the day:  This morning my kids came running in to my room telling me my dad was here and that we had a doorbell!  We saw the doorbell box inside the house but couldn't find a doorbell outside the front door, so this was indeed good news for us.  We have a doorbell!!!  But it wasn't such good news when I answered the door in my raggedy tank top and sweats, my hair piled on top of my head, no makeup, and greeting the homeowner for the very first time.  He kept eyeing me while we talked, tilting his head as he looked me over from head to toe -- probably wondering what kind of person in their right mind would ever answer the door like that.  So much for first impressions!

This photo shows my four Nutcracker Ballet girls in 2008.  Rebekah, Ellie, Anna, and Marie  This year will be the first year in many years that my girls have not participated in some kind of Christmas dance recital or performance.  Holiday rehearsals and chaos have become a tradition which culminates in a beautiful performance, and marks the "okay, now we can really celebrate the holiday" atmosphere when its all over.  Most people will never understand until they've lived the life of a Dance Mom.  My kids have grown up on stage.  Ellie was 2 days old at her first Nutcracker.  It is all she has ever known.

Making Headway (October 2010)

From October 11, 2010

My journey in being a single mom is beginning.  Believe it or not, things are starting to move into place around the house... It is a gradual process as we continually rearrange things as we unpack.  But I think the house is going to be the easy part out of all of this.

There are still many things on my "To Do" list this week, and of course, the most important task: finding work and registering for January classes at SVC (next month).  There are a few job prospects out there, the question will be which one pays the most.  Though I have always been most comfortable in hospital settings, it may not be possible because the hospital jobs with which I have experience don't pay very well.  On the other hand, working in a medical capacity was mandatory in the Shoreline nursing program.... so we will see what direction this takes.

Moving day: What you can see in this photos is that I was having one of the worst days of my life.  An extremely long and difficult day, most of it being spent brow-beaten and constantly yelled at, no sleep, and not in good health.  I had been saying goodbye to a friend I had known during my entire stay in the Bozeman area and we had some tears to share.  She was brave in taking over packing for me for a little while when I was so worn out I couldn't do anymore.  You can see fatigue and utter despair.

What you can't see in this photo is the cat sitting on my back as I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees.  I really needed some air -- and no matter where I went outside, I still couldn't seem to get enough air.  I remembered all the hours I spent in the garden over the years, hunched over rows of growing vegetables with the cat sitting on my back.  It was a melancholy thought.

But at least the cat came with us to Washington.

Tonight begins the first night:  no clonazepam...the drug with which I've had a love/hate relationship with, that I now need to reduce to preserve my health.... I think.